blah blah blah from rightbrainchaos…

please let today be the day i can sound like a student. oh how i wish i could write my papers without an ounce of apa style, like it was the first time i was in grad school in santa fe. that aint gonna happen. somehow, i will be able to write from this strange underworld i am in. the treasures are blossoming open a little right now as i face part of my shadow that is asking for tending. i realize i have a dragon that is needing to fly and not be contained to protecting the inner world of the shadow. the matrix is becoming more complicated. i don’t even know what i am saying anymore. translating right to left brain is difficult. everything courses through in essence and feeling. how to turn this into logical sentences? i am storming, raw, glistening, and small like an oyster. this oyster wants to turned back into the lion she really is. blogging is hard this morning. i want to hang out and not do all this mental stuff, be a creature. facing major resistance and mental stress. so much the brain must do and digest. vent vent vent vent. digress digress digress. will walk with headphones listening to loud music to burn off this excess. can i get a hell yes? can i fit into that red dress? not quite yet. the sky is blue and death lingers in my heart for chris cornell. i feel so sad about his death. i don’t know why either. i always enjoyed his music, love his voice, but never was a mammoth fan. yet when i heard the news i cried and cried some more, devastated by it. some souls get to you, that’s all. i looked at old emails last night, between me and joanna, before she died. emails back before the cancer was known. there was a time she was talking about feeling sick but thinking it was just about needing to be creative, second chakra stuff. i gave her a medicine bag for the second chakra and i still wonder about where that bag is. i feel close to death right now. it doesn’t turn me off or scare me. it doesn’t bring me down. i feel illumined by death, knowing my death will soon go down. i say soon meaning even if i get another forty to fifty years of life, that is still soon in my book. but you never know. i could die young and live in the hearts of those who love me like a stone. i would not mind dying but i want to live more. my will to live is finally strong, after many years where it was a barely lit fuse. i understand the will to die very well in this heart of mine. when you feel all of the pain of the world and in your own life, in your bloodline, in your family….it’s fucking a lot. there’s too much pain to continually metabolize. if it wasn’t for my buddhist practice, i’d be sunken. i don’t metabolize pain anymore. instead, i watch pain pass through me like weather. these days, it’s becoming the default program. the breath is me but not the thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. i don’t identify with pain or pleasure. i identify with the raw act of living and of being a glow worm light. this little glow worm blazes with immense fiery passion. feels like too much passion these days but it’s meant to be that way, cuz there are no mistakes in baseball. the north node is in leo now, meaning it’s time for us to embrace self expression, creativity, passion, and focus on what we love. i love psychology. i love art. i love people. i love myth. i love magic. i love singing. i love dressing up in clothes and putting a bit of make up on. i love decorating my body with stones. i love opening the windows and feeling warm weather pour into this crusty old studio…

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