being pulled into starfish formation…

god my moods are all over the place like a spilt milkshake or a snow globe shaken by a toddler’s hand. the light and the dark are mixing together again. like having to enter martial law like compliance to go to the U2 concert. like my university raising tuition 3000 dollars this next semester, telling us it is to keep up with the price of the other universities. bullshit. darth vadar runs the damn school but our teachers are unicorns, narwhals, wizards, and everything nourishing. the light and the dark roll together. i feel grateful and sad at the same time. an old narrative wants to posses my nervous system and suck my energy like a demon but i see it and know it. i say no to it. i am not the unchosen one. i am not denial. i belong here. i choose incarnation. i surrender into this crazy ass kaleidoscope of life we call reality as if any one of us really knows anything. sometimes all knowledge seem vapid. don’t worry, this is only the part of me talking that feels angry for the way the nectar is being replaced with tang over and over. anger in the defense of the sacred. i have cried too many tears. i am done crying for now. i forgive everybody for everything and i want it to stop. want what to stop? child abuse. animal abuse. human abuse. i am also lonely as hell. it makes the problems feel sharper. but at the same time, i create my own magical ambience. i feel happy sitting here typing while listening to 741 solfeggio binaural beats. i feel happy to be me. i love being me. i love the people in my life. i love colors. i love taste. i love having a tongue. i love talking to mercury. i love having my face. i am me and that’s neato. light and dark rolling together. it’s weird that i am blogging at night instead of the morning. my thoughts are different at night. i need to learn how to write more at night and not to be passive at night as i so often am. or maybe i don’t need to do anything at all. maybe war is about to break out and this luxury will be gone in a split second. maybe we are already dead. maybe what is in each of our heads does not belong to us. i can feel this. i can feel how my thoughts are like little baby birds flying around the collective unconscious looking to mate and nest in each of our brains. i feel so sad but not weepy. i am the kind of sad that is tired and heavy. maybe this is why i long to be whisked away in a convertible, listening to U2 loud while whizzing through the sky. i long for movement. will the warm weather ever come? the rain is turning me into sludge. i am sick of the hierarchy even though i know nature has a hierarchy for a skeleton. i accept what is and it hurts too. the counter narrative is trying to pour through. not like new age nancy ungrounded idealism all about light. and not like overly intellectual i am the one percent living in my fancy tower. the counter narrative pours through like melting copper. the counter narrative is sweet with some sea salt sprinkled in. feels like crushed velvet rubbing up against skin. smells like lilacs in a summer wind. feels like water pouring out of a watering tin. also, i just feel so fucking tired. so very very tired…

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