i can’t stop listening to “slide” by the goo-goo dolls right now. over and over and over (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7). i love this song so much, i love the video. i know it’s about a young couple deciding whether to have an abortion or get married, yet in my heart it’s about other things. it’s about secure attachment singing his love song to avoidant attachment. it’s about true love cracking into a mirror. my longing is satiated. the pent up energy finds an outlet out of this body. i can feel my animal nature heating up, wanting to sink my teeth into something luminous and raw. he came to me in the car, maharaji, my guru. i feel silly saying it cause i don’t have “a guru” or anything like it…it’s more a term of endearment cuz he comes to me when i call as he promises when he says once you take his hand, he will never let go. i take his hand and he turns my demons into innocent children. divine feminine takes the hand of divine masculine. the monster in me, the humiliated and decrepit. the forsaken savage and ragged doll little girl. she avoids, she avoids, she avoids. like meg in the goo goo dolls video. she lives outside of this world. the story of where she comes from is not false. not all dreams are flaws. put your arms around me, what you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful. we are not our thoughts and so why even use quotes? can we peel language off of the person who speaks it? when he sings it i slide into his room and run away run away run away. i needed this spew. felt it coming. i am submerged deep beneath logic and it’s scary here, to say the least. i don’t fear the fear cause i know how to make friends with the slow below violent darkness. the real darkness. the muted beckoning of the single celled bacteria crawling along longingly on the ocean floor. i am a bottom feeder. an electric eel. i make the human brain seem like something you can peel. i am nothing at all. you know what i wish i could do? paint this ocean in my head on a huge wall in a basement with music blasting. manifest! how will i write my papers from this surreal place? i open myself to new ways. it’s crazy what can happen when you stop identifying with who you are. try it. don’t identify with your thoughts, moods, feelings, or beliefs for one day. watch them all flare like young and dumb partiers, like addicts, like beggers, like kings and queens, like sluts and creeps, like upstanding citizens, like doctors and priests, like success, failure, life, death, true love broken and complete. watch your fireworks light up slick black endless pieces of nothing that fall. we are vast and i wanna wake up where you are. break the old kingdom into pieces through my crystal ball. make a new one….