notes from the down…

i can be such a cranky person when you get me into large crowds late at night. like going to a stadium concert where they force you to check your purse. that really pissed me off in a deep way. i also am not a fan of sitting in crowds, but you know what, U2 made it pretty peaceful. too bad bono’s vocals got washed out in the wind so that the music did not get to me like i wished. the joy was in being with friends and surrendering into the vibe of being at U2. it got cold fast and i got tired by ten pm. watching the little human dots below and not hearing the lyrics became a meditation. i was hoping “one” would get to me, but the sound was all muddled. oh well. oh well also, to the two hours it took to get home after. the slow walk down the ramp was alright and there was no purse line. then we tried walking a bit and calling for a lyft, but the drivers were given the wrong address and it was chaos. so we walked for almost an hour into the city, away from the crowd. if i did not have to get up early for work i would have enjoyed this part more but crankiness took hold of me completely. my not so great side was out of the bag. calling lyft did not seem to work, yet again. so we hopped on a bus that took us to belltown and then called lyft again. i left my phone at my friend’s house so i grabbed it and hopped in the same lyft to go home. the driver was one of the kindest men i have ever had the pleasure of meeting. i was so tired and my attempts at being nice were forced. i realize the me that can let go and find joy in any moment was on vacation. it is what it was. i am not a fan of stadium shows, never have been, probably never will be. i would rather listen to U2 on headphones walking through the city alone. on the positive side, it was great to be with friends and sort of awe inspiring to see the crowd all lit up and swaying to the music that lives like a myth in the blood of many. the entire weekend i felt heavy hearted and melancholic. in fact, it’s been a long time since i have been hit this hard with ye old melancholia. not to worry because i didn’t identity with it, nor did i identity with the crankiness. just observed the moods seize and leave, being a research psychologist. i see how tempting it is to identify with moods and feelings. they want you to identify, they want your life, your breath. i did not give my life to my moods this weekend. the mind is a fucking powerful thing. nobody in my friend group knew that all night i was working not identifying with melancholy and crankiness, even if they did see some of the moods display on the surface. nobody but me ever sees the full extent of my feelings/moods and likely, nobody ever will. i don’t share it with other humans, it’s too much. most of my moods and feelings go into art, writing, talking to spirit, or get transformed on the mat. funny, yoga did not dissolve my moods at all this weekend. i mean, not in the  slightest. i have learned to let go when it grips this hard. makes me feel happy to know i can take care of myself. maybe the experience this weekend leveled me up. sometimes you gotta be tested. i have learned that by not identifying with feelings or moods, they just come and go and it’s no biggie. there is nothing to solve or change, nothing to figure out. it’s so simple. baby baby baby light my way, i sing, romancing myself back into monday…

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