tidal moods from the moon speaking shadow and light…

happy mother’s day to all the mothers out there. i realize lately, how i would have made a great mom if i went down that path. i don’t feel regret that i didn’t. i never wanted to be a mom but very recently i have a little bit of longing. probably cause i feel lonely, lost, and unanchored in many ways these days. i don’t feel lost inside or lost with my purpose in life. those aspects are solid. i only feel lost as a basic animal creature who never found home, a mate, or a family other than the one she comes from. there is still time to find a mate and a home. or maybe home will always be inside with spirit and the mate will never arrive. or maybe i will find home in my mate and we will move a lot. who knows. no resistance. no solutions. nothing to do with this information but to give myself love. i think about this human existence and how strange it is to be born, age, and die. never did nature feel natural to me. what is natural to me is being a multi-dimensional being of light that neither births nor dies, that is not living inside of time. this third dimensional realm feels like a myth. i started reading some james hillman last night and he was talking about the root of pathology being found in the gods. his writing pissed me off. it triggered me. i found it to be arrogant and lofty. i thought of somebody suffering from severe mental illness being told that their illness is rooted in the gods and it irritated me. jung has never pissed me off with his writing about archetypes and unconscious roots. maybe it’s the way hillman writes. it sounds religious and pompous to me. i get triggered when people have an attitude of being right. hillman’s writing feels like this to me. jung’s writing feels humble. i know in my shadow exists a mystical know-it-all, hence my triggered response to hillman. i am projecting what is within me. i was conscious of the mystic know-it-all in my early twenties. you know the type, young and just having their spiritual awakening into the multi-dimensional being of light reality, thinking they know everything. yep, that part visited me for a while before submerging back into the shadows. perhaps i need to give that part love. i want to give love to all of the shadow parts unearthing lately. it is easy to love the parts of the shadow that have been victimized, such as the shamed and abused parts. it is harder to love the the shadow parts the seek power, such as the attention seeker and the mystical know-it-all. owning and loving all of my shadow aint easy. when zoomed out far enough, all parts of self bleed into one. krishna das paraphrased this about hanuman’s perception of ram, and i am gonna paraphrase him now in speaking about my perception of spirit: when i identify with the body i serve you completely…when i identify with the soul, you are whole and i am a part…when i know who i am, you and i are one. wow, i waxed way spiritual once recognizing the shadow in me. spiritual sunday, take me away. yesterday was crapola. i could not write my paper at all, could hardly read, was moody and heavy hearted despite getting on my mat for the first time in over a week and despite all my acts of self care. this scorpio full moon is a deluge on my heart…

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