spew on romantic love…

had the funniest dream last night and slept deep after a few hours of insomnia. yesterday was fun. marathoned it at the cafe with a cohort friend for six hours. we brainstormed and worked. i spent another chunk of dough on a jung book. made colorful models that were answers to the questions of the paper. ran into (second time) a man i had a little thing with four years ago. i guess we are in each other’s resonance right now. haven’t seen him in years. both times we talked on the street about everything philosophical and psychological. yesterday he apologized for how he treated me. felt good to receive his apology even though i never was hurt by him. i always understood why he vanished. i didn’t take it personally. looking back, i see how each man has been wrong for me. i have fallen in love with some of them and that made it harder to see how wrong they were for me. don’t know what it’s like to be met in a way that speaks to my heart, raises my life force, and brings me closer to him. only with one guy, a billion years ago, did we have a honeymoon stage, otherwise conflict arose in the beginning with each man. this is redundant talk in a way, but running into this guy has brought my attention to how much i used to cling (even if only for a month or six months) to men who gave so little. i was a peasant. i did not know i deserved more. i know now that i do, that i can be met and that i can ask for what i need. very few people are met in essential ways in relationship, from what i have witnessed. i know a handful who are met too. it’s more rare but it exists. i am hanging on for what is rare even though it’s hard being single on so many levels from pragmatic to romantic. it’s hard to pay the bills alone, to do all the chores alone, to not have touch, sex, affection, to not have somebody to check in with each day, to not have daily companionship, to not walk through life with somebody, to feel like a solitary city rat. i feel isolated and sad most of the time. but i would still take this sense of isolation and sorrow over settling. settling feels worse, it feels entrapping and too hard for my heart to endure. i will work when issues arise and tend daily to nourishing a partnership but i don’t want to have to work that hard either. you cannot project what relationship is for you onto others. i see so much variety in all my friends and family. i see couples who flow pretty easy and couples that work hard. i see couples where i am sure they are right for one another and couples where i think they may not be right for one another but they work hard to improve and make it right. my opinions are only opinions from the outside. i know me from the inside. i know my propensity to create joy in relationship. i know the inner peace i feel inside and how i can share that on the daily to another. i know my affectionate nature is a gift and not a burden. i know my flaws and my strengths. will he know his? i don’t know. i wonder who he is? i suppose on the plus side, i still have yet to experience a beautiful fresh new honeymoon stage. this is exciting. a sliver of light. i can’t wait. i forgive all men from my past. even the ones who still have not made right by me. even the ones that still burn with love inside of me. i embrace the circus. one thing i am oh so clear of now, is when i am over-giving and care taking, being the one with all the magic, being the one to initiate everything, while only receiving crumbs. i won’t do that ever again. once i see we are equals, i will let out that part of me…but not in the beginning when it can be like a hook trying to get love from the old schema of not being good enough. i am too wise to believe i am completely past my old wounds. they sit inside waiting to pounce like baby tigers. even if they don’t, i will be extra cautious. why? because i don’t want to create the old story. i could face the same lesson again but i don’t wanna. i want the new. i have not had any romance of any kind in over a year now. to me, this feels like the old story is done. i have let go of the karma. i am rebirthed. i am not attracted to the wound anymore. the old schema sits inside me like a broken down amusement park ride no longer in service. i have practiced restraint and been on the man diet successfully. i will keep dieting until true nourishment arrives. i am tenacious like shark.

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