like water like water like water…

i don’t know what i was thinking yesterday, trying to write my paper after ten days in the gauntlet. all it did was make me angry and heavy hearted. i needed a day of rest. my brain needed to not output. i wound up wandering from cafe to cafe reading “the portable jung” i picked up at the second hand books store. it’s the perfect read to digest jung’s prolific to the point of overwhelm work, from a summarized zoomed out perspective, while still getting to sink into the luscious wisdom of his words. he is all i want to read right now. he has infected me as deeply as anais nin. been battling anxiety about all the paper writing coming up this summer. paper due next week. final paper first draft due mid-august. another paper due late august. it’s harder to write while in my internship, which takes a lot out of me. i need a lot of solitude time to get the point of writing. once again, i am realizing how much i cannot be available to socialize and have a life, other than school. some people can juggle a lot. i am not one of those people. i need routine that is strict and solitude to center. i am a lightweight. anyhow, i think that coming into the reality of my 7 month future has been the thing i am facing adjustment issues with, this week. and i am just trying to catch up with the reality. school is fucking hard. you know what is sad? my school is becoming cacrep certified after this year. meaning the best teachers are leaving soon. there will be no more i-group. and the program will be three instead of two years, along with other changes. i wont be recommending this school to anyone anymore. the magic is leaving. i feel sad about it even though i wont be effected. everything turns to shit, says my inner cynic. i am not afraid to let that voice out. i know it sounds tragic and one sided but i don’t fee the need to police my thoughts cause i am chill AF and this is blog, where i can let out the visitors that greet me at the door of my psyche. my inner light accepts the changes and knows some goodness will remain, while sorrow for the loss seeps out. real grief. oh well. i woke up to two good news texts. my niece is in good health and my friend got into his internship site. i woke up feeling rested and inspired because i dreamed about a children’s book that i may actually write/make involving the mer people. i also woke up with an idea about my paper that uses art to answer the questions. i need to get creative with this paper because it is way too philosophical and broad stroked to answer in 6-7 pages. i mean, each question is at least a fifty page answer if i use words only. i take this shit seriously, maybe that’s why i get so stressed. maybe i need to take it less serious. i do feel chill AF too. well, no i don’t. anxiety about papers is flooding through my nervous system. i need to be like water. like water. like water. like water. like water. like water. let it go and let the love in, child…let in the opportunity to express and release the “have to”….

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