gauntlet over blog…

the gauntlet is over (took today off which is a day of meetings cause i really needed it) and now the fatigue i have been pushing back is fully alive in this body of mine. i want to linger and move slow but there is too much to do. i realize that through mid-august i will be using my days off to write papers, mainly the final paper, and it hits me that my days truly are numbered. i feel myself becoming work. like, i am work itself. the thought of moving seems so effortful and i am praying that no rent increase comes my way. the stress of money swells and i am doing my best to allow fear to pass through but not to sink into the story of it. my messages from the tarot tell me to embrace work mode and so i do. it is joyful work, i must remember this. well, aside from having to be a scholar. i really don’t enjoy that, but it’s the route i have chosen. i understand now that all paths have a shadow and light side. i am no longer trying to live in multi-dimensionality while still a dualistic being as a human. i want to allow for growth and expansion while also being realistic to who i am in the here and now. i am juggling perceptions. what i learned by ignoring the here and now third dimension (in favor of what i am on other dimensions and where humanity is headed), is that i was escaping discomfort and harboring deeply suppressed anger toward the system. what i discover as i come fully into the 3d present, bringing all the other dimensions with me, is that i can approach every aspect of what is real with non-resistance, and this opens my heart and allows for me to meet all of life. yesterday i was questioning reality, as my mind travelled down a thought-path about how we are all subjectively interpreting. what makes me not a schizoid affective? i can recognize the difference between consensual reality and the reality i experience. in the mystical world i am not strange but to many in the consensual reality that dominates many minds, i could have some disorder. funny how christians also have a strong right-brained faith-based imaginative brain in order to believe in their myth. i relate to christians in this way, but i do not feel any truth in their religion. i don’t feel any truth in atheism either. i don’t feel truth in extremes or in boxes of any kind. i don’t worship science. i don’t want to try to make myself sound like an intellectual maven. i don’t want to shame anybody for being religious, atheist, anxious, or anything, not even cruel. i have my reactivity, don’t get me wrong. i get annoyed. i build stories. i get stuck. but i always do my best to look at my reactivity’s root within myself, to own my shadow and not continually project it onto others. i am ultra reactive to shaming because i was shamed for many years of my very young life. i want to honor the humanity in every heart even if i passionately oppose their view and even if their view harms others. it’s a tall order but it’s my everything. north node capricorn house 12 means, to me, that i am to climb the mountain of my own unconscious and the collective unconscious, to own all my own shadows, to let all reactivity be healed in the sea of oneness. we all have out paths. i live tall orders each day and i like that way. my ambition is not something i apologize for and i also don’t expect others to have it. we all have our ways, our tao. reality is a supple thing. i mean, time is a living being for god’s sake. everything is alive. it’s just fucking wacky. how’s that for scholarly? i have to joke a little to burn off some of my fear of meeting intellectual expectations placed on me for being a grad student. having amazing teachers makes me wanna rise to the challenge to see if i can do it. i did it last year. i am happy to have blog, where i can be messy, tidal, unkempt, colloquial, and fully me without any compromise…

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