full moon scorpio spew…

today is the full moon in scorpio. 2:42 pm, pacific time. i am feeling it. intense dreams. rolling in the deep so deep i have no words. feeling rooted and stabilized by spirit. the inside is brighter than the outside, the sky is grey, the energy is soft and leathery. i smell tobacco in my imaginary nose and dream of the desert sun. a time long ago. a lizard’s perception sitting on a rock for hours. maybe i want to sit for hours and let all the boxes of thought collapse and fall. eagles flew over my internship site yesterday. signs. nature is speaking even in the city. all is nature. nothing is not nature. human nature is complex and tall like a skyscraper, mirroring the deep oppressed shadow underneath all the faux sophistication. there is overwhelm for the world at large. is war on the horizon? the tower will fall. the tower is falling. i don’t feel like blogging. moodiness descending. tired of myself. blah blah blah. but i am doing it anyway. binaural beats in the ears, 741 Hz. feels like medicine waking up my inundated brain. too much at once. i remember our teacher talking about not underestimating the stress we are under. i suppose i am feeling that. between the world’s conflict and graduate school everythingness, having no stable home (due to ever impending rent increase) and feeling very alone on that animal level…the stress looms large. i go to spirit for comfort and nourishment just as i did when i was a child. spirit is my stability and security because when i am connected i am able to handle the swift changes, loss of fortune, possible death and everything tenuous about being human, especially the shadow. spirit is my comfort because when i tap in i feel loved and supported, delighted and mirrored. spirit has always pulled through for me. spirit is my closest companion. spirit has my back and plays with me. spirit understands me and makes me laugh. spirit is my true love. humans, including me, are so wrapped up in our own dramas and triggers, it’s a wonder we know how to give to one another at all. we are all born into such a dysfunctional system, every heart that stays open is a miracle. i am a miracle, you are miracle. maybe this is my avoidant attachment wound speaking, but i just don’t expect another human being to nourish me at all. it’s like, my only secure attachment is with spirit. don’t get me wrong, i have two overflowing handfuls of the best friends i could ever wish for. i have a family that understands and gives unconditional love too. my treasure chest is full. it’s just that…these days…in my solitariness, of which is my own creation (minus what it out of my control-being with a mate), i see all of us really working hard to stay afloat, to make it, to stay balanced….oh, i don’t know. i am not looking to hang out more with anyone, i need my solitude. it’s the usual hunger for a partner rearing her longing again. it’s also a longing for joy. it’s also feeling my age and how the older i get, the less i need and want from others, but also i am not old enough to need anyone more yet. but if the system fell and we all relied on one another in a very fundamental type of way, i would not be saying this. i would be in the thick of helping, tending, giving, and would most likely be challenged in the other direction, as my desire to mother would be activated and on call constantly. i guess what i am bringing up here is…how much do you need others? how much do you need others to see yourself? to feel loved? to feel secure? to feel worthy? to make it financially? to be fed and clothed? to have an identity? i have learned how to give all of the internal needs to myself by connecting with spirit. i don’t need others for self-love, self-worth, or emotional security on a core level anymore. at the same time, i have an avoidant attachment wound to heal that calls out for secure attachment with a mate, and we will be lovers and healers for one another as is the case with all secure attachment mates on the path of healing. as my teacher says, that which is wounded in relationship must be healed in relationship. both/and. i am no longer open to mating with a man not interested in healing his stuff. not judging, just knowing my essential needs. i would rather be alone. i made it this far being alone and could easily keep doing it till death do i part, for it is no longer scary and i am used to hosting incredible unmet longing. it feels good to get to this place. liberating. the liberation helps the longing. wow, this blog got long. as is the case, if i keep at it, the words come…

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