thinking about…feeling…the nature of reality. how many dimensions are existing at once. our consensual reality focuses heavily on the third dimension which is observable by the five senses. there is so much more. we don’t even really know what reality is, hence the need for religion and science (another religion in the extreme) to claim reality and pin it down to reduce fear toward the expansive mystery of all that is. i am dipping my mind into the mystery for renewal and replenishment. i don’t want to box in what reality is. i need the mystery to feed me. been seeing my own boxes. like with this research paper, how i think there is only one way to write it. where’s the creativity? when fear is present, creativity runs for the hills. i see it in myself and my humanity. i don’t wanna participate in the narrowing of my heart and vision. hence, i am listening to hella binaural beats and cleansing my body, mind, and heart of the fear that comes with expectations on myself. i realize i have two allies in my heart that are shadowy, even though they are now revealed. one feels incapable and broken. the other is pissed off at the overlords and patriarchal system entrapping everyone. when they get together a fire blazes in my heart that wants to burn me down. i remember i have chosen to infiltrate and not escape. i realize to heal i must love the anger until compassion floods my heart for everyone and everything (this is my tao of healing: love). love and choice meet insecurity and anger, not like missionaries or new age marketing gurus or anything bullying and fear based….but like beings of wonder and acceptance. if i name all these parts i would call anger, angie. insecurity, ingrid. love, callista. choice, janet. so…janet and callista meet up with angie and ingrid, who are hanging out in a cafe smoking cigarettes and drinking too much coffee, gabbing away about the ills of the world and how life has drained them of their dreams. callista and janet walk into the bohemian dilapidated cafe. janet is wearing all black with big stones hanging around her neck. callista is wearing something flowey, feminine, and magenta. they sit at the table with angie and ingrid, who are both wearing jeans, combat boots, and faded old t-shirts. callista and janet don’t make any fuss about the smoke or dreary talk, but instead listen with interest and caring. wait, this is going to become too long if i write this out here in blog and i got to get ready for internship…so more later. it was fun to go into the imagination, i need more of it. i read a paper my friend in the program wrote and it was so creative. i got inspired. i want to make each moment creative. i want to approach the shadow with mystery, wonder and joy. i love confronting my shadow. in fact, i would not call it confronting. i would call it meeting. meeting with pleasure. the sky is blue outside and i think it’s supposed to be beautiful and warm out today. i will be indoors but maybe i can get outside for a few hours in the evening time. i am feeling urged to appreciate every moment. who knows when the moments will change and these days will seem like the sweet ones.