day eight’s perception…

school is over and i am on day eight of the gauntlet. self doubt and sorrow are visiting. loneliness and emptiness too. i don’t feel inspired, i feel tired. i want to stop being this me creature and just be nature. i want escape from myself. the shadow is leaking. i am in non-resistance with these feelings. allowing them to arise. the sky is blue and how i wish i had this day to myself. i will show up with love for others though. i will know in my heart i am capable. i will allow my craving for simplicity and heart based perception to exist too. this modern world sometimes feels like too much for me. overwhelm. it’s only overwhelm. i will allow it all to have a voice, for i am water and i am also making the choice to do this work and be on this path. non-resistance to what is hard. it is hard to do this grad school thing. it is hard to change. it is effort on so many levels. i am molting. i am change. i am orange and purple today. i am safe….enough. had nobody to come home to last night to celebrate the end of the semester. that emptiness loomed large. felt like i deserved more. instead i ate nachos and took myself to the grocery store, filling my purple backpack with items, lugging it home. i don’t feel pity though. just the pure emptiness of being alone. the loneliness of not being mirrored. my teacher found that in the implicit memory, alone and lost. non-engagement. was a treasure to hit an attachment root cause. i am not in resistance to the feelings resulting. i got lots of friends and support. this loneliness comes with a gift at no cost. all the time i have to focus on my work and my creative passion is the gift. i am given time. time to delve into my own underworld and love forgotten parts back into the wholeness of my present self. time to write a poetic spew of a first draft. time to reflect and stare out the window. time to give love to and be nourished by spirit. all for a reason. nothing in vein. so that is where i am at today. la dee da.

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