beltane blog…

today is beltane, yet i don’t really feel it. i suppose i do feel a certain joy coursing through beneath the surface, for the god and goddess getting to sanctify their love, both awake…if i really tap in to my subtle feelings….but to be honest, i don’t feel it much. maybe it’s the daily grey, the daily grind, the daily whatever. maybe i will feel it more later. feeling rejuvenated after a weekend of solitude, productivity, and being chill and quiet. really needed it before entering the gauntlet. don’t have much to say this morning. i feel pretty cancer moon tender, relaxed, and blank in mind. intense dreams again. nothing i want to write down here. i am writing only to write. was thinking last night, about how little i dream about romantic love. it doesn’t exist in my dream or waking world and yet i want it so much. it is humbling to go years with a soul hunger going unmet, specially if it’s never been met and there’s all this wounding concerning the soul hunger. i am past the stage of thinking the red carpet will roll out just because i am healing. love comes to all people, healed or unhealed, doesn’t matter. love does not discern. the will discerns and the mind discerns. i do feel that we are magnetic beings and that life mirrors our psyches. i feel the sticky electro-magnetic oneness that science will eventually figure out, probably long after i am dead. for now, the law of attraction remains a misunderstood and misused new age belief system, but i feel the truth of it operating. i know who i draw into my field is connected to who i am within. the quality of partnerships shift and transform as i heal, for sure. i am not relating to being with a partner as any sort of lottery win in my mind anymore, though my inner child would certainly feel exuberant to be with her sacred other. it’s all about learning to balance the polarities. to allow for want and detachment, to allow for mystery and the equational aspect of how energy operates. i feel my inner man and woman very equal and united. i am both father and mother, man and woman. my body is feminine but i have an animus within that is alive as ever. he is exuberant in nature. he may not be all that deep but he is intelligent and loving. the woman in me is the deep one. she anchors my inner man to his personal heart, otherwise he is all humanitarian and too much in the world, living for others. you’d think the woman in me lives too much for others. well…she can to, but in a different way, more like a care-taker. he lightens her heart so she can live a personal life of expression too. they like both love to delve into the mysteries of life intellectually. it’s one of their favorite past times and why i enjoy solitude so much. gives me time to think and make art, expressing how i interact with life on a psychic and intimate level. we all have our loves. here is to our loves. three cheers for our loves. hip hip our loves. hey, i suppose i am speaking some spontaneous beltane magic. better quit while i am ahead. time to get on the mat and prepare for work. another day lived…

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