sunday, quietly chirping…

another grey morning. my mood is less down today, perhaps due to yesterday being packed with deep study, writing, walking, everything tangible, physical, mental. took a break from the feelings. moon’s in cancer and i feel the tenderness. soft sky. soft heart. internal. not much to say in blog. feeling like each day is a work oriented verb that keeps on truckin. routine. structure. solitude. tomorrow begins the gauntlet of no days off for just under two weeks and the mantra for me during this time is, “chill a.f.” show up and be present with love. nothing left in me to be anything else. short life on the tip of my tongue like elton’s tiny dancer, doing ballet in my mouth while nobody is looking. weird analogy. dreamed intense last night. daunting money worries linger cause seattle is too expensive for a single person making a modest income. but i will find a way. or i will move to a burb north, south, east, or west of the city center. not too picky at this point. maybe find a roommate. life seems to move like a cow or a bull. something slow, sturdy, strong. no pleasant surprises like a relationship arriving or home making sense or anything lovely like that. just the kind of joy that either stems from hard work and fear facing or my spirit feeling joy simply for being alive. per usual, the animal’s wants are marginalized and i am humbled each morning, molting inside the container of my privilege. forever humbled. not that i began as any sort of ego maniac or even a relatively confident person. humbling does not come only for the arrogant, it comes for all levels of confidence. it comes to remind you that being alive is enough. it comes to strip you of your wants and enforce detachment from what hurts in trade for a more essential want of experiencing love in the raw. i feel my whole life has been a humbling experience. there was no fall, only a steady climb. i am grateful for this me-journey. when i live inside of raw love the world around me looks different. the world speaks to me in secret. i have conversations with birds and the sky. maybe that’s why i am so attached to this apartment, because i am nestled in my place like a nest in the sky and i am little sparrow chirping. who knows. who cares. why why why slither away down the drain…

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