nothing more than feelings…

been feeling sad and a little down these past few days. unable to take any action toward moving too, but this is nothing new. i worked in my underworld journal and it brought my spirits down instead of up, like usual, because i touched on some deeper layers. i also have been really feeling the temporariness of life. like when i woke up this morning, i said to myself, “another day down the hatchet.” life is so short. who we are is not our personalities but we engage with these personalities for a lifetime and become very attached to them. the new moon has been hitting my insecurity button too and i am watching the feelings. funny, i dreamed last night that this violent man was holding me and my intern-mates hostage in a small room. he was asking me what i do with my feelings. i was telling him that i always just watch them but do not “buy what they are selling,” and he started to antagonize me. all of the sudden i got the realization to start acting insane as a diversion. i talked about how my little toe informed me about everything. it confused him and as he was getting confused, one of my intern-mates gave me the subtle eye to keep up the act. i did and it caused enough confusion in the violent man to allow us to take him down and we saved ourselves. afterward we all called in to not come in the next day and we went home. i felt sad to be going home alone with nobody there to be with me. i feel like that dream sums up my life in a way. i don’t let sabotage and my feelings take me down and i do have really great support. at the same time, i am lonely. watched an amazing movie last night called, “the prestige” that blew my mind in the best way. one of the best movies i have ever seen. afterward, i got obsessed with a band called “warpaint” and watched a million videos. both helped the evening blues. i did not have the energy to meet with friends or go out. that’s the difference about having a partner (that i long for)…to be able to be in the same house in a quiet way, doing our own thing side by side or just watching a movie in pajamas, low key. it’s tiresome hearing myself talk about this over and over. i would rather not suck the air out of my own tires. the sky is grey out this morning, i will be forcing myself on a long walk so i don’t sink into this case of the downs. at least i am busy with school work and errands this weekend, while i watch my insecurities flare like asteroids in the sky of my mind…while i observe sorrow and loneliness rain in the forest of my smoldering heart. i will be like the sea and transmute all the tiny poisons, remembering how much i treasure solitude. monday begins my twelve day gauntlet with no days off so this pause is truly medicinal. everything happens for a reason and the reason for this wave of feelings is to see how i respond to them. i will continue to respond with love, acceptance, compassion, and enough distance to not identify with or live inside the passing weather of feelings that never stick and waft by like lost travelers from body to body on this earth….

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