more on guilt, privilege, family systems, shadow parts…

i will take a journey to meet the two shadow parts that emerged yesterday, the attention seeker and the failure who is bad, but until then i am using the basic technique of feeding the wolf of love and not the wolf of negativity. meaning, the opposite of negativity is love, in my book. i am putting attention on my successes like a mother would her daughter. what a banana peel i slipped on yesterday. i fell so far down that i could almost forget what reality tasted like. as my teacher would say, loyalty to the old kingdom rose strong in me. the forces of darkness wanted to feed off of me feeling bad about myself but i starved those forces out. i did not come running to the call of those old trumpets. i observed and found the shadow parts. with the help of a friend, the core schema emerged. on it with hawk eyes and a heart of compassion. writing about it here with yesterday’s talks in my mind, i am thinking about privilege still. about how i have the privilege to work on myself like this. when i tap into the privilege aspect, guilt arises. i know privilege-guilt is something that puts the attention right back onto privilege and therefor does not serve the healing of humanity, yet i bring it up with loving intention. i know guilt does not serve healing. long before i learned about social justice and began to understand human dynamics as seen through the lens of neito’s skills in “beyond empowerment, beyond inclusion” (which i think everybody ought to read) i felt guilt. i have felt guilt my entire life. i know it is a feeling passed down from woman to woman in my bloodline. my bloodline being jewish and also women containing the guilt, i am sure oppression birthed this feeling, yet the guilt lives inside of me for both oppression and the privilege, like a hybrid. i have never felt oppressed for being jewish though it lives unconsciously in my blood, but i have felt oppressed for being a woman. i was also oppressed for my size, as i used to be a lot bigger and struggled daily to not ingest the shame being thrown my way from others almost daily in the early years. i am privileged for being a white person coming from enough money and opportunity to be able to do what i want in life. these days, having lost a bunch of weight and empowered myself as a woman, i experience more privilege than i do oppression. the guilt i used to feel for being bad because i was less-than morphed into guilt for having more than others. though i used to feel this guilt too in my younger years. basically both versions of guilt i have felt my entire life but these days the privilege guilt is stronger than the less-than guilt. no matter what, guilt take the focus off the primary wound and winds up feeding a secondary wound, making the primary wound larger as it goes untended. either privilege gets even more attention by trying to make the oppressed give sympathy to the privileged… or the oppression wound, originally created by the privilege denying the rights of the oppressed, twists into a self sabotaging wound where the oppressed feels it is their fault. guilt is a wound enhancer. i want to take a journey to meet guilt because guilt is also a dragon protecting something deeper in the shadows. i am privileged to be able to do this work. i hold this privilege in the clear light of day without feeding the guilt. i remember back in the day, when i was still code-red wounded from sexual abuse… when i would talk with certain men (very few and far between) who owned their privilege… and how it brought me a sense of relief that i wasn’t wrong, bad, or crazy. it felt so healing and it still does when this occurs, even though i feel pretty sovereign these days as a woman. in other countries women don’t even have the privilege to make a choice to be sovereign over their lives. even in the system of being a woman among all women, i have more privilege by living in this country. i think of family systems theory in psychology…how one person in the family can hold the anxiety for the entire family and therefor, look like the “fucked up one” in the family (identified patient in psychology lingo)…but when you travel deeper in, you understand that if say, four people in a family system are sweeping everything under rugs and refusing to acknowledge the mammoth elephant in the room, that the fifth member will likely hold everybody’s denial and anxiety, expressing it through various psychological and physical symptoms. the more privilege denies privilege, the more the oppressed, within the family system of the human race, are forced to contain all that is denied, increasing the symptoms. everybody needs to acknowledge what is happening for the wound to heal because we are a family system. we are a human race family system. we are a nuclear family system. we are a bloodline family system. we are country family systems. we are race family systems. every similarity group is a system within the larger system of being an earth family system. we are even a milky way family system. there is no denying this and well….time to end this blog and move on with the day…

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