taurus new moon blog two…

this blog is a quickie. thanks to the kool-aid man knocking down my walls, i realize how this new moon in taurus is hitting me. how i value myself among authority and audiences. on the car ride there…i arrived at the realization that my shadow contains everything i am vehemently against, aka: popularity, attention for attention’s sake, and an ego that wants to grow big (like madonna-she’s the archetype, i have turned her into one at least, as i am speaking about the pop star and not the mother of jesus). he helped me to understand that my current insecurities about sharing myself on social media, here in blog, and to the world at large, are not regressive but instead, me becoming new and not feeling confident yet in my new learnings. it’s an evolution not a regression. i have learned so much about privilege and social justice in the past year and now i am thinking in different terms that i still have not worked out in my head. if i can stay transparent and be brave by exposing myself i can share that i feel privilege-guilt and i am unsure how to navigate through it. i recognize my privilege and i recognize where i am targeted too. i am aware of my impact on others in new ways these days and unsure about how to stay me and express myself as i always am compelled to do. i get scared of what others think about me. this was the car ride home. how i fear authority’s judgement of me and the feeling i have failed. i fear the audience too. this core schema was birthed a long time ago in my family of origin story, and further still, into past lives. “i am not good enough” and “i am bad”.  i am still learning to value myself in the world as a human being among authority, money, work, things, people….i still find myself getting triggered and swinging between an inflated sense of confidence tinged with teenage rebellion and a complete lack of confidence where i feel like the runt who will be severely punished for having failed. i am learning true self value for myself, over and over…and over and over, until it is ingrained. when it is ingrained, i wont swing from extreme to extreme. balance is the natural result of self -worth. chiron is in my second house (the natural house of taurus, so this all makes sense, even though my chiron is an aries. i am sure there are aspects happening i have not looked up yet).) ok, this is a snippet, before i forget. two blogs one day, that kinda day.

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