one long no edit spew of the contents of this mind moving from the water into a fire…

i didn’t blog this morning. got caught up in editing my paper. life took on its own this morning. maybe from the flow of the water last evening as we took a quick trip over to brainbridge island. two water signs talking deep and feeling the beauty of the earth. one saturated in the shadows on the inside and one saturated by the shadows on the outside. like a yin-yang of light and shadow. me…i am feeling like a luminous light right now. a phosphorescent eel swimming through the dark ocean deep. inspiration returns to me today. the water may have opened up my right brain more, snake-charming my soul outta me. i think so. i want to make those i love love themselves and that’s my cancer south node pulling on me to mother but in this lifetime, having a capricorn north node, i am here to be more of a father in this life though i still identify as a female with a female body my masculine side burns strong in me. masculine does not mean man and feminine does not mean woman, btw. masculine is an energy that lives inside men and women and feminine is a form that lives inside men and women. the feminine form inside of men is what they seek in a partner. the masculine energy inside of women is what they are driven to create. this model only applies to those who identify as men or women’s bodies though. those who are non-binary with gender still have born sexual bodies as either man, woman, or both sexes, but if they feel like a different gender on the inside, that is what they will want their bodies to reflect because we all want to be integrated, whole, complete. we don’t want divides. and yet the divide exists too. when the divide exists inside the psyche it fucking really hurts. i am not transgender or non-binary, i am your run of the mill heteronormative straight female so i don’t say this because i relate…and yet i do relate, but i don’t experience my own inner divide in terms of sex and gender. i experience my inner divide as human on the outside but i don’t feel human on the inside. being human as always felt foreign to me. for instance, the thought of birthing a baby through my body feels so different than what i identify with as a sentient being, that i feel a deep aversion for the process and never wanted to be a biological mother as a result. you could say trauma induced this perception and i am sure this is partially correct. but to me, this does not dismiss the myth that lives inside of me as very real and alive. this myth is seen as something not real by a lot of people. though uber religious people might relate in so much as we both invest in the truth of the right brain. a small number of other people relate to me and we call one another tribe. humans like to get into groups of like minds. intimacy often pulls two opposites together though. to me, being really close to somebody opposite me teaches me so much. it teaches me patience, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, surrender, how to be with shadowy feelings in an honoring way of the self and the other, and how to love unconditionally. for this, i am happy to be as close as two people can be, with my polarity. though with enough similarity to make it fun and also inspiring. now i am building a recipe. i am building a mystery and thinking back to when sara sang that song and i was a twenty something along with the other young women who sang that song over and over in their bedrooms. anyhow, this is one long spew as i listen to 432 binaural beats with theta waves and a shamanic native american drum beat. i have great honor for the american native americans. they are the root to this land and their land was stolen. what happened to their souls? i feel their souls softly lingering, praying with patience, waiting for the completion of the karma. our karma. when you see it 88 on a license plate it means that your facing your soul’s karma. in other words, you are being tested to see if you can respond to what hurts in a new way. can you honor the victim and also transcend the reactivity of the victim? my karma right now is to follow the way of the saturn and pluto as capricorn dances with my north node until 2019.  in other words i am being tested in my ability to surrender, love unconditionally, forgive, and dive deep into the tragedy. reading the odessy might help. i will provide more than nurture right now. provide what? a listening ear, tarot pulls, a safe space to splooge out your deepest deep. come into my cave and let it all out. i’ll turn on the red light bulbs, light the candles, burn the star anise oil and be your witness. this spew feels so good to let out. i needed to. this blog might seem in disarray and needing a trimming and cultivated but don’t mistake my intention which is to be run-on, flooding, chaos, packed together words and thoughts that mirror the rapids of my mind, blending poetry into the concise lines of thought, i mean, i am sculpting here, every word is chosen but also given space to come out messy and strange. i gotta let this part of me out or i will feel deranged. my version of the shadow is so….i mean, i shudder from the two places i have been when journeying into my personal hell this past week. i shudder. it reminds me of the myth of uranus and gaea. i need to read that too. my cells are asking for a new myth and also they are asking for the old myth to be understood before it leaves forever. i can feel it. i see alex in my mind as she speaks of loyalty to the old kingdom. i shudder, i shudder. my words are starting to putter. i want to have the bravery to post this without even one read-through. true beat style. just to let it out all. messy. here it goes…

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