tales from the color beige…

i don’t feel like writing at all. mind feels blank and tired. spirits feel neutral or perhaps slightly numb. the inspiration from earlier in the week is waning into a beige zone or something. what goes up must come down and hoping to give the down a soft landing. a beige landing might be the best i can do this morning. got my moon time and feeling slow. dreamed of a dog dying. some man’s dog, a friend in the dream. i was devastated. been having some lower back pain too, which never happens to me. am i carrying too much in this psyche of mine? wrote my self assessment paper yesterday and felt rather empty writing it. there really does come a point where assessing myself becomes ineffective. i feel like blah blah blah here are my strengths and learning edges. i have assessed to the point of vomiting. i need to look at what is not me for a while. i’ve got me burn out. i mean, between journeying into my personal hell all week and plotting/writing out my self assessment paper, i feel as if i am rung out like dish rag. somebody hang me on a missoula clothes line in the sunshine. let me be with the birds. leave me alone. i felt like this yesterday on my walk. was hurrying through all the city parts, noise, and crowds, just to get to the rich people part where the sidewalks are mostly empty and peaceful. i was craving emptiness. to walk though the rolling hills of ireland or something. to feel space all around me. god, i crave that right now. was reading some old blogs yesterday too. when i used to be all right brained, poetic, dreamy, lost, and wafty. i got nostalgic for the ease of those days, but that is an untrue telling. those days were stagnant and repressed. i am simply craving some ease, is all. i want to waft a bit, i want to float a little. i want to feel gravity leave this body. i want to swim. cravings. i feel like being a scorpio has me craving things all the time. i know myself all too well. every time the inspiration comes back down i get like this. disappointment is only a reaction. i choose a different response. i choose to find peace in the beige and humor in the complaining. a bit of complaining feels good. expression of all the feelings, i promote. i feel my hill rat-ness this morning. city rat always walking the same streets. but these are streets of beauty. on my walk yesterday, i wanted to stay on the hill because of the views. i like being on this hill. i like the idea of being able to afford it. i don’t have it me to fight the battle of its decline anymore. i want to find a way to stay, this is how i feel today, it will surely change tomorrow. i am an explorer. gratitude lurks beneath the beige edges of my discontent. the summer of my discontent, who wrote that? i feel treasure in the words of those from the past. i want to read a classic. started reading the odessy yesterday. just a few pages. i wander if i can get into it? i need to feed the craving of my right brain today, i can feel the dragon needing fiction, poetry, wafting, dreaming, myth, everything imaginative. this particular dragon, like all dragons, is protecting something, though i do not feel it is time yet to journey there. i am forcing myself to take a break from journeying deeper until my immune system can handle more revelation. is that today? not sure. i will pull a few cards on it. sometimes i have to let for a bit and the pisces moon is a perfect time to do so…

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