two gurus in one day…

i was fortunate enough to see krishna das last night. we had crappy seats in the back and i asked the universe for somebody to come up to us and give us closer tickets. it happened! we wound up in the fourth row center. a little dream come true. he played saraswati, which i was hoping for…he did not play baba hanuman, which i wanted more than anything. oh well. my soul was purified. the mirror of my heart feels squeaky clean this morning. when kd played his new chant to maharaji, i felt him so strong that tears came to eyes. in my mind’s eye, i was a little girl playing before him. he let me know i am innocent. i called out to him to be be my guru, again. these moments with neem karoli seize me to such a degree, i have never experienced anything like it. had strange dreams last night and slept a little later due to going to bed later. isn’t that so interesting? before seeing kd yesterday i did my practice all day of loving the shadow part that arose from my nightmare. it worked. as i was doing this i was reading the red book and jung was speaking of traveling into his own hell to meet his own devil. jung does not externalize anything. what is outside of ourselves lives inside of ourselves. to be whole we must take responsibility for the darkness within and not live life out of balance by being only pure or light. same goes for masculine and feminine energies. same goes for all polar opposites. the key is to meet the marginalized half within. the marginalized half lives in the shadow, it is not acknowledged, it is pushed into the unseen unconscious. the unconscious is not only what is hellish but also everything the conscious mind is not able to acknowledge. yesterday was a perfect flow of me acknowledging my pure soul and my deep hell. i met my own hell in my dreams and came face to face with my own devil, spending the day honoring these parts. i then chanted at night, purifying myself. i lived both sides of the contrast. this balance is what makes me whole. the jungian way is not for everybody. some people need to externalize the darkness to not let it possess them to the point of dysfunction. narrative therapy is all about externalizing the problem. i use this method only when anxiety seizes me so hard i need to externalize in order to function. if i am able to move through the world and my inner self with fluidity, i follow the jungian path. i am all about blending bits and pieces from paths to make my own. i construct my own methods, correspondences, and walk down uncharted territory with charted tools and wisdom. very few authors i will read to inform me. i only have a few gurus. krishna das (who is maharaji, who is hanuman) and carl jung are my main veins. two white guys but i don’t care. it’s not about the external, it’s about the wisdom and what opens up within. anyhow, today i am going to begin my self assessment paper and i feel resistant. why? i am sick of assessing myself. it’s always the same thing, but i don’t want to write the same things. i think i will start my paper explaining about how i have already written two papers covering the same basic strengths and learning edges that everybody notices and i don’t want to go over them again. i will hunt for new strengths and new learning edges. i need what is new. tired of the same ole same ole. i am on automatic with the same ole same ole. blah blah blah could be a tattoo for how i feel much of the time when yapping away. but when i chant with kd or read jung i don’t feel blah blah blah. i feel newness everytime.

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