underworld, allies, jung, and the seagull…

nightmares from hell last night. of course. the moment i step out of the underworld, the underworld finds me in my dreams. yesterday was a great day at my internship and afterward i had a great conversation with a friend, getting my thirst for talking about ideas satiated and also feeling inspired by photography. read the “red book” on the bus and was moved as usual, by jung’s words. felt excited to be doing the work i am doing, which is not always the case with me, as i continually face reluctance and imbalance. it was one of those days where everything in my life felt right and on track, even though i did not feel so hot in my skin, as it’s been a week since i did my yoga practice. so…of course i have the most fucked up dreams ever about the core darkness that rules my psyche. and of course it leaves me completely vulnerable upon waking. the dream seemed to communicate the sentiment i feel right now, the sarcasm i feel right, the mantra of darkness i feel right now, “you can never be free.” i am giving this shadow part a voice. following with tenacity the protocol i set up for myself, to love every part. reading jung’s words ultra-validated my protocol, as he was talking about no longer fighting the externalized opposition. the goal is wholeness. we must find what we fight outside of ourselves, within. we must find the darkness within. oh, i found alright and here i go, loving the sarcasm, loving the dark mantra, loving the trapped feeling, loving the answers i will never receive, loving the implicit memory, loving the repulsion, loving the nightmare….all within myself, which is much bigger than just myself. in a dream that either came before or came after the nightmare, i was in a park and took of all my clothes, was walking around naked like i did not care. not in an insanity way, but more in a symbolic way, of feeling good with being so transparent. but then i put a blanket around me when i entered the city, where more people were. i did not want to offend anybody with nakedness. interesting. i finished part one of the red book where jung is talking about diving into the darkness so deeply that he has no “way” anymore. he allowed himself to go fully into the chaos. my dreams felt that way last night. but i awake with my way fully in tact. the way of love. yet i suppose jung never really lost his way because he was researching himself the entire time, so maybe i am akin to him right now. he is my greatest ally. i have never met a man or woman (in writing) as deep, profound, and mystical as carl jung. i will never finish reading his works. i will never finish understanding the depths he discovered that take me deeper. i have my allies. a seagull perches on top of the brick apartment building, its stark white body contrasting the dark grey-blue sky. i want to go home, is what i feel when i look at this bird, who just flew away. i want to go home. krishna das chanting happens tonight, maybe i will go home while singing the names…

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