the rain is back. i realize, when looking at the ten day weather forecast, how desperate i feel for sunshine and springtime. we get one half day of sun every handful of days right now, it seems. actually we had two half days of sun this week. the rain is really getting to me. i am feeling low. i know it’s sun related because the few moments of sun i experienced made the low vanish. rain comes and the low returns. i can’t fucking take it anymore. why do i live here? oh right, because i have friends and community here. i also like the culture here. i am also getting trained to work here in this state too. i suppose with every love and commitment comes the things you struggle with and do not like. i do not like seattle’s lack of sunshine. in winter i surrender to it. but when spring comes, it always takes till mid to late may for the sun and and warm weather to show up. march and april feel cruel to me. anyhow, all i can think about right now is how i want to make changes in my life. it’s that feeling that old me is dying and the new me is not fully formed. it’s the longing for home of which i talk about too much. i have been hanging out in bellevue more this week taking the bus and walking around for lunch, wondering if the east side feels right. what i like about it is the way having more nature around me feels. but i don’t vibe with the culture. i like the city vibe better. the in between would be to move to a district with more nature and space, like the north end or something. unless life leads me elsewhere. i want to be in a cozy home. i wish i lived with my partner, but again, i talk too much about this. not sure if a roommate can compare. i would rather live alone. what i want is pretty specific, yet i am open. blah blah blah. venus retrograde has me contemplating my values. if i sink a layer deeper i see that i value home to be a cozy and creative place where i feel inspired to write, paint, read, cook, do yoga, have people over, and nestle in for while. i value home so much. the home i am in now has been good to me and yet i have outgrown it. i value change. this home has seen me through several romantic relationships, the writing of of my novel, becoming a yogini, grad school, and the transformation of myself into the daylight of my north node. i first moved in almost six years ago, fresh from new york city. at the time many of my friends lived within a few blocks distance. now many of them have left the hill. i realize my friends are my family because i don’t have a partner or children. yet i also live pretty much unto myself. i don’t reach out a lot these days. i don’t have the energy to hang out with friends all the time like i did in my youth, although i still see friends a few times a week. when i was younger it was every night. these days i crave to be at home doing stuff or just chilling after a long day. i only want to go out a few times a week. i am lucky to be close to so many people. i would love to give them new stories instead of always talking about the same thing. to be honest, i don’t want to talk much about myself or talk about personal stories and feelings. i feel too full from them. i crave to talk about ideas, art, and more intellectual content to balance. i can only spend so much time talking about feelings and personal life. i wish i was part of the circle with anais nin and henry miller back in the paris days where they would talk philosophy and art for hours. i crave spring to lift me into the daylight again so i feel like going on photo shoots in the city, and doing new creative things. maybe i need more theater and photography in my life. grad school sort of eats up all of my time. seven and a half more months to go until i am done. at least my grad school is always intellectually enriching. listening to some of my teachers is akin to sitting with anais nin in a cafe in paris. blah blah blah. very boring blog today for anybody but me to read. sorry bout that.