notes on the power of love and shame…

full moon in libra last night. intense powerful dreaming again. past two nights have been hard core libra full moon relationship dreams. i woke this morning like i was returning from travels to a parallel lifetime. i remember very little. only that a cohort-mate was in all of them and that in one part i was in a tiny plane an ex was flying. it wasn’t exactly this ex, but sort of. he did not like to be touched the way this ex did. but in the dream he was really into flying a tiny plane and even though i was terrified, i went up in it with him for a round. we kissed in the end, he begrudgingly, not because he did not love me but because he did not want to be touched. it hurt but i did not change my own behavior. i faced the fear of flying and touching somebody who i felt like i was “too much” around. maybe i am getting more used to fear facing. it’s a major family of origin thing. fear courses through intensely both sides of the bloodline. the sky is blue this morning and i am thankful that mamma earth is giving this gift second day in a row. the deep dark sorrow of yesterday feels gone out of me. thankful for the friend who reminded me to give it to the universe, which she calls god. it’s amazing how much we don’t have to carry if we can remember to ask for the weight to be lifted. doesn’t matter who you call to if you are calling to love. i have been loving all the shame that has arisen from coming off of my routine. it’s totally different to manage self love by doing the things that keep shame at bay…verses allowing the shame to bubble up from the deep by removing the things i do to manage it and loving that shame. wow. i feel i have learned so much this past week and i could not have done this even a year ago. it takes tenacity and commitment to not knee jerk into some activity that forces shame back down. and here’s the real weird thing….even yoga can be used to do that. anything that makes me feel better about my body does that. if i let go of my body care-taking routines, the shame rises. thing is, i don’t want to do yoga, exercise, and eat healthy to suppress shame while maximizing confidence. i want to do these activities for the purpose of self love. i feel this week, from falling off the routine, that i have burned off a large portion of shame by allowing it to rise into my conscious awareness and giving it love. all it takes it love. you need no class, no book, and the only how-to is to love the shadow. it’s the most simple and hardest thing to do. i speak of shame cause that’s what’s been up for me and it seems like such a root core of many people’s shadow matrix. most of us judge shame and try to suppress it by doing things that make us shiny and acceptable. some of us bask in shame, dwelling in the underworld as a comfort zone. i have done both but probably the latter ran my life for the most amount of time. though in the past decade i have become very experienced in the art of suppressing shame. funny, how becoming stronger and more functioning in this society rewards the suppression of shame. funny but not funny. no matter how many times i chirp about this i am still put into a state of awe for how love dissolves the shadow. i say dissolves, because it is a gentle vanishing. by me loving shame this past week, the shame has literally dissolved into nothing in a soft non-event. the irony or paradox is that shame first needs a voice, acknowledgment, and then to be loved for exactly what it is before it dissolves into not being. much of healing, when using love and not mental techniques, operates as paradox and is both subtle and profound at the same time. not everyone is on the path of unconditionally loving every part. many people will keep shame suppressed through hard work and doing all the things that make them good in the pack and under the lens of the their own judgement. different paths for different souls. yet shame is their at the core in our collective human family system. hello, shame. i love you.

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