taking the bus this week, so leaving earlier, so not able to do my practice in the morning, so wondering if i will do it at night or let it go for three days. i have not done my practice in four days now because…well…sometimes i let it all go. doesn’t feel like sabotage. feels more like boredom or the need to just flow. but maybe these are excuses, deflections, distractions? i don’t know. my spirits have struggled, i admit. i have gotten a lot done inwardly and outwardly though. so maybe it’s all as it is supposed to be. yes, that’s right. on my walk yesterday, nature was showing me how trauma lives in my body as a feeling that something is always needing fixing and adjusting…and that the healing is about returning to being an animal simply doing its thing, the way the birds and squirrels do their thing, as i was observing. while walking, nature told me to make my hips be ribbons and i began walking with that visual in mind. she said it would allow what was pent up in my tummy to leave through my legs to be recycled back into earth. it worked. i felt the energy leaving. but then the energy returned the moment i got home and was sitting again. i was shown more myth on my walk too. shown the beginning of the trauma roots so long ago that humanity as a collective would see the roots only as make believe. the original divide, she called it. another myth telling the same story, coming through my brain. receiving this myth is my favorite thing. i wish i had the money to buy a home in more nature, hide away, and write this thing. i would do it in a second if i had the chance. but when i did have the chance, i did not write it. why not? because i felt ashamed of how my circumstances were provided. because i was in my continual mode of fixing and adjusting. like when they say youth is wasted on the young, my time was wasted on being caught up in shame. yet i have acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness for myself because this is the way nature works. it is what it is. trauma in the body creates stories and our stories lock us into the narration of our lives. we act from these stories. the body dictates our fate and how we move about the world, yet we do not recognize it because we live too much in the mind and externalizing the power source. i see it so clearly and because i do, i will make the effort to release fixing and adjusting myself. instead, i will love the shame that arises when i don’t fix or adjust. i will walk with ribbons for hips. i will transform. there is a difference between fixing and transforming. fixing is to tinker and make better. transforming is to let go on a deep level and allow the shape to shift all on its own. my body will shift all on her own by me letting go of fixing myself all the time. this entails me letting go of the narrative of fixing. this means me feeling the shame that will emerge when i don’t fix. this entails me loving that shame until it dissolves into the wholeness of my present self. this is the real work, over and over. what fascinates me so much, and another thing nature told me yesterday, was how there is alway the real and the counterfeit. the real work is love and the counterfeit comes in and pretends it is the real work. the counterfeit is not love, it is a feedback loop. i don’t know how to explain it yet. i am sure my dialectic dialogue is reflecting the counterfeit here. i can feel it. when language divides it is feeding the feedback loop. all i know is to stop the fixing feedback loop, recognize it is a story created by trauma living in my body, walk with ribbon hips, love the shame that arises from quitting the story, and allow this body to naturally transform. my brain is on the rise. must be the 432 alpha binaural beats i have returned to listening. the sun is out this morning and it’s the best gift i could ever receive. spring, please be here now. we need you.