the lady bug just appeared again. i say “the” because i am wondering or feeling like it may be the same lady bug that was sitting on a bottle of one of my supplements two days ago. i will take it as a sign as i was just sitting here at my desk, no lady bug…then i went to bathroom and upon return, the lady bug is sitting on the wall in front of my eyes. hopefully this is a sign and not some sort of creepy infestation. that would be the dark humor that this lady bug thing becomes in a world such as mine, where hope is a dangling carrot. i seem to have endless amounts of hope. i seem to always see the positive of the deepest darkest pain. was feeling it this morning, as i awoke crying from the deepest soul hunger coursing through my body unmet. always unmet. my dreams ignited the hunger. i woke up a sad hungry ghost. but i simply gave the sad hungry ghost love and acceptance while i got on with the morning and shoved clothes in the washer at six thirty am. what else am i gonna do? blame myself? no. blame others? no. think i am the only one whose core needs are going unmet? no. dwell in the sorrow? no. detach and repress the longing? no. analyze it? no. none of those old tricks will do. not even finding some false refuge to produce a magic trick. nothing else but love works now. so here i am, loving myself and the longing with authentic positive regard. loving the tears and the yawning. i said yawning just to rhyme but it makes sense too. i am tired of talking about this subject of continual unmet essential longing (yawn). lady bug, you give me a belief that my hope is about to become a physical manifestation. not a lady bug infestation. manifestation not infestation. got so much work to do today and due to procrastinating, i will be doing a lot in one day. trying to find my focus here. it will be forced. this week was intense with clients and my own moods. we all fall into chaos soup together. including the entire country and the way it’s led by the puppeteer. i have impeccable self care and boundaries at least. an underworld maven. think that would look good on a resume? this time around the self care is focused on love and pragmatic solutions. moderation verses complete removal of pleasures. logic guiding the feelings while the feelings are fully honored. feeling the melt down of this country as strongly as the melting longing in my heart. it is what it is and i will keep rising up to meet the present moment with love and logic. lady bug, are you gonna move? the good news is i got krishna das tickets for next week! there were only six left cause i didn’t know he was coming to town. i thought he was on hiatus, but maybe that was last year. we have back row seats but oh well. one last thing…i realize i have a defense mechanism of being loopy and weird when i am covering up feelings. this loopy weirdness is not a bad defense mechanism to have. it’s entertaining at least. i mean, sometimes we cannot let out the feelings we are feelings. sometimes we must keep it hidden from the surface cause we are at work or for other reasons, and this is ok. i keep many of my feelings hidden, come to think of it. i only share with others when i feel truly safe, which means to feel not only accepted but also to know that the other knows i am not putting my feelings onto them. i wont share my deep feelings with somebody if i feel they may take it personally or think it’s their job to fix or manage me in some way. i don’t want to get tangled up in that. i would rather emote alone or with somebody who can separate me from them and allow me to feel without fixing. this is the space i need. intimacy with individuation. or as bowen calls it, differentiation within relationship. to be close while also being separate (except when wanting to feel our oneness in a spiritual way.) hence, i have my personas of protection…but i don’t see this as negative. i see it as pragmatic. anyhow, blah blah blah. not minimizing my words with the blah blah blah…only saying it to lighten up the serious mind, reminding myself that breath is who i am as i find refuge in the tenderness of being. the sky is soft and mild this morning and the birds go chirp chirp chirp….