ladybug landings and longing from the dead…

more intense dreaming last night and the second night in a row i am waking up with questions on my breath. this morning the questions were about making conscious choices. now it’s on my mind. where do i want to live? where do i want to open a practice? stuff like that. aries stuff. what i want stuff. not just go with the flow, although, that is my tao. yet my tao is also about being balanced and waking up dormant parts. the sky is misty blue outside as the sun rises. spring is sort of here. barely. last night it was here enough to put me walking all over the hill after work, instead of my usual hibernation. felt so good to walk in the evening sun. i realize that my city dwelling self may not be what i choose next, but it’s familiar alright. i am open and i am seeking a feeling. my friend made me an art piece that arrived in the mail yesterday. it is a wood burned plaque that reads “true love, real self, real purpose” in hebrew. i feel, with the entrance of this piece, that things are about to change. a lady bug was chilling on one of my supplement bottles that sits in a cabinet, this morning. it is for sure a sign, because it was only one and just waiting for me in the oddest place. when i took the bottle out to look at it, it flew away and vanished into another dimension. i looked up the meaning and it’s about luck and love. i feel love near, whomever he is. like kate bush sings, “i don’t know what’s good for me,” as i surrender to being surprised. all the family of origin work we do at my school has oriented me toward understanding my attachment wounding and the healing is about forming secure attachments, where mutual trust and intimacy is the goal. i have formed a secure attachment with myself, pretty much. we are always works in progress. i am honoring my animal self by placing equal importance on having a secure attachment with a partner in this lifetime as well as doing the letting go of attachment work of the spirit. both/and. we are here to enjoy this life and honor being animals. enjoyment for me is partnership, romance, and walking through life with my man. it is not being single though i can handle it with mostly grace these days, even when my longing deluges onto the shores of my consciousness like a flood. port townsend opened my heart to the longing of the souls who have already passed and the feeling stuck with me upon my return. not all underworld journeys are about healing a wound. going to the underworld in port townsend was about feeling the unmet longing of the dead fill my heart like a heady jasmine perfume. it intoxicated me to such a degree that i am walking around feeling it all day long. to feel the longing of the dead mix with my own living longing…well…let’s just say it has put a sepia film over my eyes and opened closed gates in my heart. i feel like spirited horses are being released into the wild of my unconscious. it’s hard to put into words. only poetry can come close. i am not one of those people who yells, “dreams can come true!” like a pollyanna new age privileged american. two of my most valuable dreams i have had to let die in this lifetime and i am sure there will be more. yet some dreams do come to fruition. sometimes our luck does change. sometimes we do get what we want. sometimes we are pleasantly surprised. sometimes we get to be kids and feel happy about the results. that’s all i am gonna say about that. time to get on the mat and let it all go again…except for the longing, that gets to stay, for as one of my teachers says, longing is our deepest connection to the divine. i treasure longing…

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