no period unconscious spew blog…

what to say, what to say, i don’t know, my brain feels like cake batter since yesterday. tired, spacey, low inspiration, not able to think very well, ungrounded in a way but in a way grounded because of my practice….sigh…anyhow…maybe i will write this entire blog without the use of a period, just for the hell of it…to see if i can do it, to spice things up, to make things different, to create a new neural pathway, to show the moment that i can be innovative with it, even when my selfhood feels weary and wishes for inspiration i will still create the inspiration in the moment by not using a period, by breaking a rule that is practical and meaningful and yet arbitrary in the larger picture of truth…truth….what is the truth, why do we want to know the truth, why does he laugh after every attempt to one-up, why is intimacy hard to achieve, why why why….i notice how often i ask why as a means to relieve an itch to understand human behavior and these are the intricacies i get tangled up in because i got nothing much else to care-take outside of myself which is becoming automatic…my self care…beautiful morning ritual on internship days…morning ritual like a work of art almost…waking and drinking the magic mineral potion and eating the nutrition dense, turmeric laden oatmeal, drinking a coffee, writing a blog, saying the prayer/mantra/ and gridding to my spiritual homies, getting on my mat and surrendering to the poses while listening to my three favorite krishna das chants, showering and getting dressed for another day…i am so proud of this ritual in every way because it is streamlined and deep, beautiful and profound, my favorite time of day sometimes and i also like how i do it four times week, honoring the divine masculine number four in me, living the sacred structure…then allowing three days to express the sacred feminine in me and using this body in a different way, in a free flow way, walking, dancing, movement without routine, allowing my heart and mind to unravel and to honor the artist that needs to be spontaneous and free to move about in the emergent moment…feels so good…it’s the little things…i am trying to get away from using the word “good”…like i said, it’s the little things, like replacing the period with ellipses and writing one long run on sentence, like putting vetiver, vanilla, and orange essential oils on my wrist, like swishing coconut oil in my mouth, like doing naked yoga in the dark at seven am in service to the raw and transparent heart, like devoting to my beloved and releasing the kind of romantic entanglements i no longer have interest in….saying thank you to the old experiences and stories, to the false refuges, checking out, dissociating, running, avoiding, hiding, fantasizing, grasping, and dwelling in order to live with a past sculpted into a marble statue, carved by an infinite artist and temporary animal otherwise known as the wise child, knowing how to keep the body alive and the heart protected at the time, even if it meant creating a marble statue impervious to time….seeing myself reflected in him and understanding how life restricts, cutting off life like husbandry, like pruning, like stopping short what needed to grow long…honoring limitation and the blues song…balancing achievement with surrender and being a bad-ass while softening…lessons in every moment and love in every heart i meet, looking into the eye of buddha in pair of eyes, nobody escaping the oneness we are, nothing to compromise, even if i have more privilege to recognize it…i own my privilege so that i may set those who are not as privileged more free by not making them feel they should just get over it…i know how it feels to be the target too and i am learning how to move past the anger and into strategy, practicing the skills of busting out of cocoons and the lessons on repeat….inspiration slowly returns as i type without a period, allowing my unconscious to unfurl like a flower slowly opening, becoming fully blossomed like a star made of flesh, light captured inside of matter, this world is important to me, it’s not just about leaving, transcending, going to heaven, heading into nirvana, leaving the ego…for me it is about balance, honoring the story, honoring the ego, attaching with grace and letting go when it is time to erase…i am a dreamer and not the only one… i want to take photographs and capture this time here, each moment a work of art i treasure…it’s all photographs now and i wonder how long it’s been since i have used my slr camera, maybe years, maybe i bring it to port townsend, a mini road trip, one night to get away, oh how i need it, maybe getting away will bring a new perspective that will help me see what i need to see now….

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