long romantic manifestos bubbling up on thursday…

the kaypacha report continues to be intense and confirms what i have been feeling….that this is a time to do major karmic house cleaning. a time to create new neural pathways. a time to keep the hawk eye on the reactivity and choose new responses. a time to clean up the disc. i am doing it. befriending every dragon within so it will allow me entrance to the hurt little shadow underneath asking for my love. giving my love, the hurt little shadow dissolves into the wholeness of the conscious adult. the work is simple but hard. reactivity is damn familiar and it keeps the shadow hidden from view and feeling. he said it in the report, about how what is familiar can be mistaken for what is good. i see this all the time in my own personality and i see it in others. in my own life, i am shedding living in fantasy land. i will only allow myself to participate in romance from an available man who chooses me. i am shedding the unavailable man habit that roots down to a low self worth program. i am rooting self worth into my brain, soul, body, being. i don’t need to be thinner, happier, richer, or any other “er” to be worthy of romantic partnership. i am worthy right now. i also wont settle. i can easily be single and stay single if i need to. being alone for so many years has made me a pretty bad-ass female. i don’t rely on another for my self worth. i am able to emotionally regulate and fulfill myself as much as one can without the joy partnership brings. i want partnership because i want love, not because i need a man to give me esteem, worth, or meaning in my life. but i am still a die hard romantic and true love is a creation i want to make. hence, no need to settle for less just to have somebody. no need to have comfort without passion or passion without security or a great mental connection minus the emotional connection or a great sexual connection minus the mental connection, etc. i can hold out for the full connection. it’s not about what he looks like, how much money he has, what he does for a living, or anything like that. it’s about how we feel when we are together, how we merge together, and if we are walking in the same direction. i don’t want kids and i don’t need riches. i don’t want to be with mr. perfect either. i want to be with a man with flaws and imperfections because i am flawed and imperfect. i don’t want to be with a man always trying to make himself shiny on an ego level, that is not for me. i am a balance between chill and achievement. it’s good to know what you want. i want to relax and enjoy this short and sacred time i have on the planet and i also want to achieve creative, humanitarian, and self growth goals. i like balance the most. balance is my best friend. i need good communication and for us to trust in one another. this is key. i need fun and silliness because without it i suffocate. wow, i sound like i am writing a dating site profile. this is just what’s coming out from the original reflection on kaypacha’s pele report. i feel in the past, i have either been single or been with the wrong men for me. i remember in my relationships, how i would negotiate with my intuition that hit pretty quick, like within the first week. my intuition would say no and my mind would begin summit meetings to lure me away from my intuition. no more of that either. no more feeling rejected when he does not want me and i want him. no more feeling scared to say no when he wants me and i don’t want him. no more fear of hurting another. and no more not listening to my intuition when we want each other in the beginning and then it changes. i don’t care about age either. he could be older or younger. but to be quite honest, not too much older or younger. i would not feel balanced if that were the case. ten years above and below is my mark. he could be skinny or chubby, whatever financial bracket, bald or with hair, but what is important to me is that he is good at caring for himself. i work hard at caring for myself and it just would not be balanced otherwise. caring for oneself does not produce a certain body size, wallet amount, status…it produces a healthy human is all. a part of health is being able to indulge and enjoy the pleasures in healthy doses too. i think it always comes back to balance and that sometimes going off balance is balancing. i am not looking to find me in a man though, i am looking for a compliment to me. i would be so bored to be with me in a man and i am not nearly as narcissistic as need be to want that. i hope he is different enough for us to bring newness to one another and allow for independence to do our own things too. anyhow, this blog is long and probably boring. apologies. maybe it will get you thinking though. i hope. what do you want and what have you settled for? do you know? i am very clear on what i want, like…crystal clear. i won’t be scared of my clarity. i will embrace it…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s