having trouble this week feeling grounded and connected. maybe today it will be different cause the moon moved from aries to taurus. my inner teenager has been visiting these past few days. i am committed to loving and honoring her. also, she is exhausting me because she is much less diplomatic and mellow than my adult self. why is she here? the deeper i get into psychosynthesis and underworld journeying as a researcher, the more the archetypes and sub-personalities arise in me. or maybe i am just noticing them more. i realize that i am a kaleidoscope of beings, more than ever. the teenager makes the adult cringe a little but at the same time the adult finds confidence in her. a little of both. watching jordan peterson last night on you tube, defend his right for free speech and try to explain how fascism can be hidden inside of a social justice agenda, really moved me. i saw myself in his anger. this anger lives inside of my inner teenager. anger that arises in defense of the sacred, as my teacher at school says. the topic of how fascism is being fed through what appears to be social justice is profound. then there’s the topic of gender fluidity…so complex. i am all for gender fluidity. i feel every expression has a right to arise and that the human being is always evolving and changing and what was once black and white can birth a spectrum to go along with it. i say this as a very black and white gender specific straight female. no gender fluidity lives inside of me and neither does bi-sexuality. can the black and white and the spectrum exist? i think so. can subjective and objective realities exist? i think so. i am always pro-variety. i do feel that making laws that tell people what they can and cannot say is not for the good of all. i can see how fascism can incubate inside of social justice as it has done numerous times throughout history. you cannot be fooled by the costumes and you have to contemplate this beyond your initial reactivity toward things. you have to check for integrity by checking in with your deeper self. that’s my method. but not everyone feels they have a deeper self. i do. i am not a constructivist post-modern thinker. in my opinion, the constructivist post-modern thinkers are rebelling against a way of thinking that they feel is rigid, wrong, suffocating, and dominating. i have learned for myself that concepts born from rebellion are not representative of deeper truth. more power to you if you think identity is a social construct and gender is nothing more than a social construct. i am not here to tell you what is right and wrong for you. i don’t feel this is true for me. i feel identity deeper than what society or the relational field creates. i experience gender as something more biological than social, though i see how society has socially constructed what my gender should feel and do and don’t buy into this aspect of it. in this way, i am different. i never wanted to have kids and that’s the big one. i am not family oriented. but most women are. i am in a rare category of women who are not interested in kids or in having kids. variety exists. i think our freedom to meaning-make this life is a power that causes problems and at the same time is an incredible gift. i see, underneath these ideas, a human race continually battling and befriending one another in groups and individually. i used to think peace on earth was inevitable. but now i feel that peace on earth may only be a cycle to experience before delving back into conflict and pain. i feel that humans thrive, grow, and learn from conflict and pain. the underworld is necessary. we would not ever know compassion, unconditional love, forgiveness, acceptance, and many other aspects of self, if it were not for loss, pain, conflict, the shadow. i am not condoning abuse, prejudice, or any other god-awful thing by saying this. i want us all to be treated humanely and with love. what i mean is that, there is a gift in all of this pain too…and also, that all of this pain is nature being nature. nature is both shadow and light, both chaos and order. this is not bad or good, it just is. i am very afraid to say this. after watching jordan’s talk, i realize that i am, in fact, fearful of speaking my mind….