notes from the river styx…

yesterday was the new new moon, being a new moon in aries. i see it like the heart’s new year, since the moon is the heart and aries is the first sign of the zodiac. was feeling lethargic all day and evening until the exact time of the new moon and then the energy switched to something more connected and clear. the heart’s new year begins with me being fully loving with my shadow parts. not trying to change them, only loving and giving voice to them because by doing that, they change all on their own. it’s like sunshine entering a pattern of grey days every day. it’s like seattle trying to be spring. is spring really here? will i really be wearing short sleeves soon? time to start jogging again. time to shave the legs again. time to….to…i dunno. grad school sort of takes away the natural cycles. the direct client hours i need are pretty high. too high, in my opinion. means i cannot really take any days off, besides the few i have for one trip to see my folks. i am a better guide when i don’t have to hustle. wondering about dietary changes again, what would be beneficial. i think instead of removing dairy, i will add juicing, and see what happens. made a spinach, apple, orange, and acai berry juice for dinner last night. juicing for dinner feels right. boring to read this, i am sure. the aries moon has me feeling like a little kid too. made a crystal grid last night and realized how fun it is to do so. desires to play are strong. did not feel the focus for school work like i was hoping. will try again tonight. it’s really hard this year. internship takes it out of me. i think the grad school blues are pretty natural though. i am lucky to be in the school i am in, and even luckier for my cohort and staff. not much to say, writing only to write. wish i did, wish i might, wish upon a star tonight. intense dreams last night i hardly remember but i remember the essence. denial. denial might be the theme of the first part of my life. it’s funny to think about how if we did not have emotions, there would be no life meaning, no suffering, no dreams come true, no falling in love, nothing of these sorts. these sorts are all emotional experiences. without emotions we’d be robots propagating the species and making things without any content to any of it other than what logic says. but even logic is emotional when you think about it. for all we know, life is complete chaos but because we desire logic to provide us with a safe structure to see the world and ourselves through, we put rational meaning to everything. we see what we believe. we see logic. i guess what i am trying to say is, if you think what you see and experience is objective, you are most likely fooling yourself. but don’t mind me, i am from hell. i am pan. i am the underworld’s eyes. i see life through divine chaos. oh don’t be afraid. i am not talking about the christian version of hell. their version of hell is some scary nightmare filled with fire and pitchforks. i would never step foot into their hell. i am talking about nature’s hell. the place where the rejected and denied feelings go. the unconscious. the dark rich fertile soil of creation. where the river styx flows and lily pads scatter across. masquerade balls are held in the castle with no king or queen each night. all are welcome…so long as who you are is not seen but only felt…

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