inspiration and the sobering of the heart…

mellow kinda fun night last night romping around the seattle art museum during a party called remix. peacefully strolling from room to room, looking at art, doing crafty things, people watching, listening to music. felt like i was wandering through a surreal landscape. good mix of people though i must say, seattle people feel cold to me. not cold in a bad way or in a mean way….just not very warm and outwardly friendly. seattle people are contained and reserved. not like california where everybody talks to you wherever you go and is ready to get wild. not like new york city where everyone is warm and shit cutting, ready to give you their two cents like you’ve known them forever. not like portland where the shire people are usually sweet and polite. not like vegas where you bond with strangers over misery. not like missoula where somehow you get into a conversation with somebody so different than you but wind up feeling akin. in seattle, i hardly ever strike up conversations with strangers. i suppose i don’t mind this so much. i am more introverted anyhow. just an observation. i could see how different i have become these days, last night. i am much more mellow than i used to be. content to stroll and observe, talk and wonder. no need for excitement. the richness of life is easy to find when i am taken to a new cool environment. i don’t need much to have a good time. i want to go to new places a lot right now. or see familiar places in a new light. i loved walking around pike place market at night when it was empty, up and down all the stair cases in the icy wind, searching for a place just for the hell of it, not because i really wanted to go there. i did not want the night to end even though i was exhausted. wish i had my slr camera and could have taken some shots of the creepy market at night. such beauty. i am feeling creative inspiration, i suppose. i need to allow myself one more weekend of this before i crack down and get serious with school. i have not switched gears yet but the time is coming. i will do this with the new moon on monday (and a fire dance through the night). on romantic love (cause i cannot resist talking about it) i am proud of myself for giving myself pure crystalline self love as i feel something so strong that is not met in the other, as i learn to transform romantic feelings into friendship love and as i learn to not take it personal when feelings are not met. to not have disappointment send me into shadow vows and battles with dragons. to not feel loyal to the old kingdom. i am feeling like i can handle “rejection” with grace now. it does not mean i am not unlovable or undeserving of love. i believe in true love with every cell of my being. nothing will change this and it’s not up to me. true love is not mating with one man for life, but being with my beloved is a reflection of true love…which is a feeling about all of life. a feeling that love rules. it’s in my bones and soul, this feeling. if i get to be with him from whenever it begins till one of us dies, i will experience a soul hunger and deep dream becoming a lived experience. if not, i am thankful for the love i do get to have in this life and turn the sorrow of an unmet dream into a work of art. have you ever killed a dream or watched one die in your heart? i am unsure if anyone can say no to this question. dying dreams is a part of living. i know that romantic love works in mysterious ways. i know romantic love is deep and real. i know my story involves this love coming into my life. i know he wont be able to say no to me, because it would hurt his heart to say no to my love. he will pursue me because he must. even if there’s doubt or fear. that “must” feeling inside is one of my favorite feelings. it’s what moved me to seattle and what put me in grad school, among every major life decision i ever made. i feel so sober inside. like, i feel no delusions, no shadow in hiding that will send me into an experience that tries to wake me up. i feel so awake today. not sure how to put it in words. the sky is my mind is clear blue and it feels fucking fantastic.

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