magical dreams and mundane morning…

had really intense dreams last night. one of my teachers at school was in them. there was threat from men, chewing gum, a convenience store, magic, and there was man who was meant for me in the end. i said to him, “let’s find our own way to do this,” in reference to our intimate connection. there were frightening red caterpillar-like insects that left my body on the etheric level. i am still frightened by them. i know where those fuckers come from. i once knew a women in missoula who was plagued by them and desperate for healing. these insect beings can only leave by the empowerment of the individual, they cannot be cast out by another. we have to save ourselves from them. when they invade our etheric body, much like any insect invasion, they live in hoards. they feed off of shame. they create more shame. in the dream…the queen bee of them, so to speak, left my body along with a smaller one and it was right after that i was walking with my true love, telling him we could do love our own way. maybe i am free? i feel free. the dreams prior are hard to piece together but they also have to do with empowerment over the oppressor. my teacher was terrified by these men in the convenience store. too afraid to buy the gum she needed. i said to her, “you leave, i’ll get the gum.” i wasn’t afraid of them. i knew that magic was on my side. the whole dream felt like what life feels like to me in real life even though waking life is veiled. i don’t feel the veil even though i see the veil, in waking life. i remember when the veil was put in place. wasn’t always there. the veil turned my heart into make-believe in the hearts of those who cannot feel past it. those little fucker insects are etheric counterparts to the beings who created the veil. i probably sound insane to you, but i don’t care. i just don’t put all my eggs in the basket of the five senses. we all create and attune to our own myth of life between birth and death. i don’t need validation or to convince you that my reality is right or real. i don’t mind us having a variety of working realities that may or may not be similar. the key to co-existence is not similarity, it’s allowing differences. i wonder why i dreamed so magically night? i bet it was from lying under the sun for hours alone. i realize that i need a whole day of solitude each week, if i can get it. i feel totally restored back to health from the sunshine and alone time. this year is hectic. i don’t have time to nourish my friendships. i have to put self care first. school and internship at once is overwhelming but there’s only eight months left. nothing feels as good during this hectic time, as doing nothing under the sun. i could do nothing for a week or longer right now. i have no qualms about it. watched more of the show “transparent” last night and cried with every episode. this show speaks to my multigenerational wounding. not the LGBTQIA aspect, even though that’s the crux of the show, but it’s the jewish aspect that is getting to my soul. i actually looked up temples last night, in seattle. this is weird for me, as i do not believe in any abrahamic religion, but i found myself longing for a sense of family, roots, community. i realize how scared i feel to type this, like something bad will happen to me if i talk about being jewish. i never have related to being jewish much before, but with all the family systems work i am doing, this is what is coming up. i miss my family. the women in my family are all fiery and shit cutting just like the women in “transparent.” is this a jewish thing? it’s interesting…all the parts of self. i can be shit cutting and fiery and also sensitive and soft. complexity. personality never ceases to amaze me. i love human beings, even when i don’t. my true love sometimes feel like all of humanity…

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