mundane friday…

blog is starting to feel like a chore. where is the love i have for it? do i endure through the chore feeling? i will endure. passion is not strong in me these days. same ole story, feeling worn out, uninspired, and lonely for partnership and home. blah blah blah. i am lucky to have so many friends and not enough time to spend time with them. my loneliness is not about not having love and i am grateful. animal me is feeling the raw pain of being unsettled and without my love by my side. i have no desire for sex without a relationship, no desire to just date or play around, no desire for anything but him. one track mind. devoted soul. old world, this is me. the kind of love that does not question, this is me. i feel weary from living like a 20 something. soon this apartment will be out of my price range and i need to find a new place to live but i cannot seem to get the ball rolling. this place has been good to me and i am praying the rent wont go up till i find a new place, so i may avoid urgency. i guess school and internship is taking up all of my energy. blah blah blah i sound like a broken record when my broken heart speaks. on the positive side i am finding it rather effortless to say no to attraction that is not aligned with me. i am not deluded into thinking it is love when i receive back disinterest that only wants to be casual. i am talking a bit cryptic as i want to keep private the real story. i am saying no to who is unavailable in a way that feels easier, without delusion or illusion, without hunger. i don’t hunger for unavailable anymore. i want only what is healthy for me. two old world souls who believe in true love and want intimacy. two people who find ease in the process. i am all about the ease. i don’t care about comparing myself to anybody else’s history or relationships. we all have our karma and comparing is not good for me. very few people know what it’s like to be single for most of their lives. i have no idea what it’s like to have a long term relationship. you can’t compare. i am clear on what i want. maybe he will never arrive and i will be a sad story. i am used to living with tragedy and loneliness though. i am good at loving what hurts. i have learned to not identify myself with the pain. i am so friggen good at self care that i almost feel like a robot of self care. what’s it all for? i know what it’s all for, it’s just that sometimes i fall into an abyss of emptiness. by the way, wordpress, why did you change your layout? it sucks. the typing falls into invisibility and i have to scroll down manually at the end of each sentence at the bottom of the screen. and you put all the tags on the right, it’s like switching what side the steering wheel is on. wtf? there is a chance i might dismantle this site and be done with wordpress. if you try to come here one day and it’s gone, you will now know why. if i reopen a blog i will do it in secret and not on wordpress, so that nobody knows it’s me. i don’t talk about anything too private because so many read this who know me, including my father. maybe i need to write anonymously so i can be the real me. this is real me but i don’t share all the stuff i could not handle my dad or certain friends reading. clients may have found me here too. i am ok with this, just gotta keep it legit. blah blah blah. yeah, maybe shutting this site down will cause some forward movement. or not. can’t push it…

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