shadow speak from inside the belly….

both my blogging practice and my yoga practice have slipped this week and i slipped on a banana peel and fell into the shadow again. but this time it’s different. this time i have my magnifying glass with me because i am researching the shadow. i am studying this belly of the whale i am inside. i am noticing different aspects for the sake of being a detective. the mission of writing a paper gives me optimism, helps me to live a fruitful narrative without taking the darkness of the shadow away by trying to turn it into something positive and marginalizing it in the process. very crafty. if i use my life purpose as the light of hope i can fully steep in the slimy goo of the underworld, for the good of all hopefully. the cycles always appear, no matter what i am doing. up and down, up and down. i have learned how to turn my cycles into mild waves. i did it without medication or therapy. miracles, all natural remedies, spiritual practice, and spirit world beings being my healers (much cheaper than human healers!) have been my tools. my tools work. they don’t work for everyone, we all have our own medicine. we are creative beings from the get-go and i feel this has been marginalized by the overly saturated cultural view that there is objective truth, one way to be, one truth for us all, all that sort of thing. the real truth lays hidden beneath. we are creative beings at the core. this cannot be argued. it is who we are. i know i am speaking like this is an objective truth and contradicting what i just said but i am comfortable being a paradox and don’t want to steep in axioms anyhow. i am only asserting this to guide myself through the slimy muck of my own belly of the whale. it’s not easy for anybody. we all have an underworld no matter how rich or poor, no matter how privileged or targeted. some underworlds are bigger than others, which is why some people who seemingly “have it all” are so deeply tortured and some people who face incredibly difficult obstacles have a light about them that is strong despite their circumstances. we are creative beings. you cannot just make an equation out of us. you cannot just say that this and that will make you this and that. i am in love with people’s universes. their creative worlds. their internal experience. when my shadow illumines over my mind i can feel different, want to escape, not be of service, not steep in psychological awareness. my shadow is big. but this is exactly why i am in the field i am in, because i get it. i get the big shadow in others because i get in myself. i understand and feel so much empathy for it because of my own experience. i don’t disrespect with delusions, band-aids, hypnosis, or any form of trying to make the shadow go away. i am more about finding meaning in the shadow, like gold in the dirt. i am more about learning how to respond to the underworld in a way that is fruitful, versus resisting, trying to turn it into something positive, denying it, externalizing it as some devil and other methods i am not fond of. we all have our methods, those are not mine. it requires a lot of patience and time (often, not always) but there is an alchemical thing that happens when you love the shadow for exactly what it is. i went through this alchemical process with shame. shadow parts can be integrated and dissolve completely. this work is shamanic in nature. in the judeo-christian religions this looks like handing it to god to be taken away. witches work spells and do shadow work. there are many paths to the same end and the end is never an end. it goes on and on. therefor, i am allowing the journey to be my nectar and not the end. i am not seeking cessation from shadow pain this time, which is new for me. i am researching it like jung did. i am not identifying with the shadow either, like i used to all the time to help me romanticize it so i could feel “good”.  this time, i am riding it like a wave and exploring it through the eyes of a soul who wants to understand. i am inside the belly of the whale with respect and patience. i am in it with passion too. this is my creative act….

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