post school babble…

it’s been days. caught up in school, post-school dinners and one night of fun karaoke. this EC was intense for a lot of people. like the flooding of the nile. i had one day of intensity myself and the journey led me to think more about my final paper. it was a couples and marriage EC, so mostly I could not relate. my one melt down happened because i could not relate. i got to know the underworld from a new place. without losing my self worth. without feeling bad about myself. how interesting to only feel the pure pain of being denied. it allowed me to access anger instead of sorrow. anger for the original perpetrator. anger for the very real oppression. i kept traveling through the feelings without judgement. anger led to the desire to escape and quit everything. i honored this feeling too until it was done expressing. after that i realized, again, how a voice needs to spoken within me, about the underworld itself. about the shadow and what the shadow is. i feel this will be healing at the level i am now. i know myself, i love myself, i feel my worth, i value my presence as a human being. even when i look in the mirror and hate how i look, it doesn’t last. this darkness has passed. what remains is how, due to not receiving the opportunity to have a secure romantic relationship, i need to find a new romantic notion to keep me going, as to not focus on the denial. the soul hunger is real but what can i do? i don’t have control over him and when he arrives. it’s always personal. this final paper is my new romantic notion, my new impetus of desire, to keep me going. that’s all. i keep growing as an artist, therapist, thinker, because the lover has no partner and this part of my life is continually denied. it is what it is. it hurts and i am making the best of it. i need a break from intensity and psychology. some light like we got saturday night, singing and dancing. singing is the most fun. i was able to let go of needing to sound good and just let my voice out and enjoy the act. i could do it every week. my brain is tired. time to do my practice and carry on….

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