the babble that stems from passion and letting go…

yesterday i had fun. i don’t think i want to blog about the person i spent time with in the daytime. but i will say that if what this person felt matched what i felt, we’d be great together. unfortunately for me, this is not the case and so i stay grounded in logic and enjoy a friendship. this leads me to more relationship talk. i realize how much i enjoy differences. i am not looking for me in a man. i am already enough of me to not want more of me. i want to challenged, balanced, and opened by energy that is not me. it’s more about compatibility than about sameness. compatibility reminds me of aspects of the astrology chart. some aspects are easy and some are harder. i don’t know a single couple who don’t have their challenges. i know that part of being in a relationship requires a big lesson in how to handle challenges while remaining kind and loving toward one another. two people must fall in love to become partners. not one person falling in love while the other just tries it out. falling in love has never worked out very well for me, but one day it will. he told me about a couple he knows that literally first met in their dreamtime. he dreamed of her and then she dreamed of him, and then he sought her out, they met and fell in love. lucky for them. not everyone gets such a romantic beginning or such immediate knowing. sometimes, when you move beyond something and talk about it, it can sound judgemental to the person who has not moved beyond it. i always see both sides. he said i am living the life so many want to live. but i am tired of the urban ego. i see through it. this may sound judgemental as if i am above it. but i don’t mean it that way. i love the city, i love to dress up and go out too, i have an urban ego. just because i see one side does not mean i don’t see the other. that’s the thing about me, i am unattached to sides due to seeing both of them. not all the time, but often. therefor, my love language is not in words, it is not mental. i go with what i feel to know what love is, not with what i think. to each their own. my passion was woken up yesterday and now i realize, it just takes the right person to ignite it. the passion does not leave, it just goes dormant. i can’t control it if nobody else has come around to ignite it. i don’t control other people. i am picky, i suppose. who knows. let it remain a mystery. i want my passion to be something the man i am with adores. my passion is meant to inspire and rejuvenate, not overwhelm or annoy. i am dramatic in a poetic and artistic way, not in an ignorant or clingy way. there’s a big difference. i am pragmatic to the core these days. my feelings are not in the driver’s seat. romantic love wont be a physical relationship until love is mutual, period. end of story. feelings can feel…they can come and go, speaking of michelangelo. it is completely logically possible to not be with somebody because they do not feel the same way back for you. all love stories exist. one person feeling more than the other. two people feeling the same. love taking time. love being immediate. feeling love and then love leaving. not feeling love and love entering. the variety is vast and i am being seized by one of the stories. that is all. some bring out the princess, some bring out the white knight, some bring out the ogre in me. we are all, all three of those archetypes. and we are more. i am a lover at the core. losing and winning are one way to look at love. i can feel other narrations. experiencing the moment is something i have been good at for many years now. what is new for me is playing the long game. i have played the short game for decades. my experience bucket is overflowing. it’s time to shift the narrative. the red tape world i exist in this year, known as grad school, is teaching me how to play the long game. i know that death is michelle’s end. i am not entering the long game narrative to try to avoid the fact the everything is temporal. i am playing the long game in order to experience playing the long game and to express a deeper desire that has been marginalized by the desire to live only for the moment. when it comes to romantic relationship, this means being pragmatic. i am the romantic pragmatist. this blog is long. the sky is blue. i want to walk for miles today. i want to send all this pent up passion into the earth so i may find freedom from unmet desire. the week ahead will be busy, so that will be good….

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