babbling nothingness into venus talk…

blog is feeling so utterly boring these days. i know i need inspiration. i know i have been weary and going through the motions. my heart has been full, open, giving, loving and my equanimous mind is equanimous for the most part, i don’t want to be negative. only feeling a lack in fire, inspiration, creativity, passion. my jets are too cooled off. i need change. blah blah blah. i am sick of talking about myself, my movie, my narration. i am seeking the counter narrative. i am narrative hunting. i am laughing as i type this because i cannot escape my observer who feels more like a comedian this morning, more than any other archetype. i really have nothing to say but i am forcing myself to blog because it is my practice, to write each day in this forum. to keep the communication going. i am here to communicate, it is my purpose. this blog is my foundation. if i die today, those who know me can read my words going five years back now. sure, these blogs are not that revealing or detailed, but still, you can get the essence in a nutshell. dreams last night…were scattered, selling retail was a part of them. so glad to not be selling retail anymore. the sky is rich creamy blue this morning. not a blue sky blue, but a blue tint rinsing through yet another rainy day. maybe it’s winter continuing on like he always does in seattle. persistent with rain and clouds. don’t get me wrong, i love this city more than any city in this country. seattle is a soulmate city for me. she makes sense to who i am, so i accept her long-ass rainy persistent winters. that’s what you do when you really love somebody, you accept their flaws and the aspects you don’t like. i feel like i am crawling out of my own identity. i want newness so friggen badly. there is something powerful about staying grounded, being pragmatic, and doing things differently this time. i am different. no longer do thrills seek me, nor does living only in the now. the inspiration i crave is not a big spike upward and than a crash down to compensate, nor is is just going with the flow. i want to make something valuable and plan ahead. (weird, the planning ahead part) venus is about to go retrograde. a time to reflect upon what we value now. what do you value…now? as i reevaluate what i want in love (venus), i see how much i have changed. i don’t value romance to be set in stone, stars, already written, a soulmate through time. i don’t need that much from another. i feel this big difference between my soul and my animal self. my soul needs no romantic partner, though my animal self does. therefor, i am seeking a more pragmatically romantic relationship, where two animals share a life together, making life easier on each other, making life happier. sure, wounds and issues come up to heal when intimacy triggers the hardwired past. hard emotional work presents itself, it is what it is. you do it like you care take everything else in life. life is truly like, 70 percent care taking. i know i am a spiritual healer and… life is not all about healing and letting go. life is also about pleasure, inspiration, ease, sharing, experiencing. just putting some eggs in some baskets i have not tended to in a while. we are here not only for healing and growing, but just to be here, to experience life and being a person, to enjoy. it does not have to be so hard all the time. i know the world is crappy as all hell right now, not denying the intensity here. just bringing in a little balance. it’s all about balance…

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