the dance between chaos and order…

terrible dream last night i cannot fully recall but in the dream my body was attacked and wrecked and it was devastating. wondering why i dreamed it. been pretty stable in the waking world this week. tired and mellow. putting all my energy into yoga in the early morning so that i cannot obsess about anything or future trip. it’s all about the practice. torn between moving now or waiting until i graduate. the propensity to future trip is strong. let it go. as a friend in the cohort said to me, some nervous systems are not built for this society. i am built to live in the emergent moment and not to conceptualize or plan. doesn’t mean i can’t change. i am learning how to change on command, actually. what the hell. who says i need to cling to those old neural pathways? sometimes life molds us more than we mold life. sometimes change is inevitable and yet we can often refuse change. one thing i am learning is how to leave comfort zones. there is an intimacy that grows from doing this. in a way, comfort zones are a way to avoid intimacy. if i am always comfortable in how i do things, i don’t have to face life in a new uncomfortable way that forces me to be vulnerable. vulnerability. say it again. vulnerability. there is this guy i am practicing with. i am sharing how i feel even though it makes me vulnerable. i like him more than he likes me. i realize i don’t need to be afraid of this. or be afraid of being alone until the man comes along that loves me as i love him. i don’t need anyone to validate my self worth. there’s a confidence building inside that is not reliant on being good or pretty or anything special. it’s only based upon this feeling…of being me and happy about it. i am not looking for a handsome man who sweeps me off my feet. i am not looking for a white knight. i am not looking for girlish butterflies in the tummy love or a man who i can place on a pedestal to reach. i want to be with a man who makes me laugh, whom i can totally be myself with, where trust is built and intimacy grows over time. i am looking for a companion where we have fun and also work hard when the issues arise, neither of us shrinking away from the effort. i am looking to build a fortified partnership. i don’t need to hold on to my youth nor do i want to find a man who is holding on to his. my childlike spirit shines through but the woman is no longer a girl. i am probably too deep and too real for most but i don’t mind. some people want falling in love to feel like it did when they were young or how they see it on the movies or some version that is thrilling. not me. i see through the brainwash and thrilling stresses me out. i like equanimity more than thrills. i do want cozy though. i love the coziness of love. i don’t need anybody anymore. i suppose this can be looked at as an achievement but it is only so if partnership arrives to allow my wholeness to dance with another. in studying attachment wounding, i understand that forming a secure attachment with a partner is just as valuable as learning how to be alone without one. i feel pretty darn secure with myself these days. in the dream last night i felt secure too, even through the devastation. it was everyone around me not giving me the same secure love. they were refusing to see the devastation. oh, wait…i get it. i need to honor the hurt i feel. i am acting so in control of the hurt…and yet the hurt wants to express itself and not be marginalized by self mastery. it’s always a beautiful dance between order and chaos. i shall bring my hurt to tea….

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