the pisces solar eclipse is having a powerful effect on me. i am beginning to understand the dream with krishna das in it. it’s a call back to my creative self and ingenuity to bring about the calling in a new way. a return to the soul-self. being part of a greek cult of women devoted to wisdom and art is about not seeking a mate right now in life, despite wanting a mate right now in life. it isn’t the right time and not sure when the right time will be. could be tomorrow, i suppose, but the right time best be with my gaze turned toward not looking for him because that neural pathway is ready to collapse and be done with, forever. i realize i am at a point in life where, if i devote to my calling, i can flourish. maybe a mate would create too much distraction? i don’t know. all i know is, i am tired of feeling myself drudge through life and feel tired from practical reality and the reality of this nation i live in. i need joy. i need inspiration. i need to be creative and i need to give. i cannot drudge through life. i cannot focus on desires not being met. i am having to learn how to transmute sexual into creative energy and hardship into inspiration. it’s s different ball game than working on equanimous mind. this game is more yang. takes will and passion. it’s about not expending all my energy energy in the emotional depths within or on the flat surface of sensual experiences. it’s about using the emotions and desires for something made of more quality and playing the long game. time is a-ticking. i wrote a bl0g yesterday and took it down cause it was about a man and it felt too personal. i don’t want to share too much about my personal life, but i will say that his return means something more than just my friend returning. i don’t know what exactly but it feels like the return of an alternate reality and coincides with the return of my creative calling. i’ve known him from lives before and in my soul. there is one life i am reminded of and perhaps bringing her back to me in this life is part of the significance i feel. not sure which country, but i lived some place either in south america or cuba. it was a life i lived of passion and heart ache, politics, music, dance. i died young yet fulfilled. my spirit in that life was deep red and unrelenting. i need to dance more often. i need to sing more often. i wont let the shadow loom over me and crush my spirit. we have this one life that we are us. i want to cherish my one life. i want to sing, dance, and express while i can and i want to serve the soul in all people too. the fight begins within. creating new neural pathways is hard. you gotta do what is not intuitive, as a friend shared with me. when you want to snack, do push-ups. when you want to lay on the couch, go for a walk. not all the time, but a good portion of it. like seventy five percent of the time, be different with the little things. the little things create the big things.