future tripping, need to return to the unknown…

feeling disconnected from my environment and from the present. even though i am breathing here now, the future has confiscated my energy because i cannot stop thinking about it. it was the dream. the dream with krishna das yanked me away from a warrior attitude of the now and opened my heart to the feeling i am not living for my own fulfillment. which is ironic because kd is all about releasing the “me”, yet as my teacher (with maharaji really doing the teaching), i realize we all have our karma and paths to walk and what kd needs is not what i need. maybe one of my lessons is to fulfill my physical body and this life. maybe doing that will heal my ancestors and myself. the women have been oppressed for so long. there is a forgotten message when humanity lives in the nightmare of injustice. we can spend so much time fighting, healing, being warriors and medicine people that we forget to honor a root of physical life. a root, f0r me anyhow, is to being a “me”. i believe life wants to be enjoyed. it’s quite simple. i have not been enjoying my life for a while. i enjoy moments. i enjoy being at my internship. i enjoy my friends. but what i am getting at here…that the dream brought up is…something is off. something is not aligned. and now this misalignment sits in my heart like a stone. i feel no tears or sense of defeat. i only feel a raw ache in the chest. the dream opened up the closed feeling. sorrow is present in a way that wants to inform me of something important. this is not habitual sorrow. money comes up as a block to living. yet the blocks will always arise. how we contend with the blocks is the work. work work work work work. i am tired of work. i know i need to reconnect with the present. my brain is working too hard and it’s time to real it back in. maybe i will chant this morning. the sky is rice paper thin with color. the slightest peaches and blues. maybe horrible news is coming. maybe i am doing what jung did. predicting future war without realizing it. maybe there’s an urgency to enjoy. i don’t know and i don’t need to know. i am basking in the unknown and allowing the high priestess to fill my cup. holding hematite stones in my left hand. spraying rose water on my face. doing what needs to be done….

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