dear universe…aka; my dream confiscated my reality…

had a very disturbing dream last night where krishna das came to give a message. he said i needed to travel in europe for one year, making art each place i stopped. he said i needed to leave now even though i told him i had another year of school left. when i said i actually only have six months left he said to wait an go right after i graduate, using whatever means i could. this dream is disturbing because kd is one of my main vain teachers and sacred mirrors for me. i take this dream seriously and i have no means to travel europe for a year other than taking out more loans. was this dream a real message from him or is my unconscious producing an image of him representing what i really crave deep down? to make matters more intriguing, he also starting talking about how i ought to adhere to some ancient greek order where women did not live for men or mating, but for art and wisdom of only. i woke up before that part of the message became clear. so basically, in my current waking life, i am devoting to being a healer through the route of becoming a psychologist while also calling out to a mate to make home with. in my dream, my spiritual teacher is telling me to not make home, not call to a mate, and head to europe to be an artist. talk about messy, intriguing, disturbing, dualistic, and well…now i am gonna have to take this dream seriously and find out the roots, because when krishna das shows up, i listen. only dreamed about him two other times. one time he told he me i needed to learn restraint. and i did. the other time i was telling him i loved him and he could not say it back, and it felt like he was having a hard time receiving love. each dream has its own quality. learning restraint is the quality of the will. receiving love is the quality of the heart. ditching finding a mate and focusing on the practical therapist path is what this dream was about. what’s the quality? feels like it is about the physical experience. the message of this dream scares me. i tell you what though, if twenty thousand dollars came to me, i would do it after i graduate. i would leave for europe for one year an make art each place i go. do i need to make this happen? uh, my whole blog is being eaten up by this disturbance in the force. let me zoom out. what if life swoops in and takes you on an entirely different path than the one you are on? do you take it? and also, what if what you need to do is not made available because of practical reasons? then what? i am totally prepared to take the tangent path, to suddenly change directions, but i do want to graduate and get my masters. after that, i could ditch focusing on my 3000 hours for licensure if the universe provided the practical means to take an alternative route. as for living as a woman who does not mate but lives for art and wisdom only…i dunno. that feels crappy, to be honest. hey, i just thought of something. kd travels all around the world, leaving his art in each spot. i always felt my path was similar to his, this is why i feel he is a mirror for me. he awakened to his path around the age i am now. what if suddenly i become like him but my own version and i travel around the world giving healing through creativity? i dunno. feels weird and abstract. some dreams wont make sense for a while, i suppose. but i will say this; i have no qualms about traveling for a while or for a longer while or for my whole life. i just don’t know how this would come about. i won’t take out loans and i wont revert to relying on the same support i have been working to transcend. the money would have to come in a way that felt right in my heart and in the practical sense. the old me is dead and i wont go back to her methods. my school and internship are powerful teachers and lessons for me in and of themselves, even without career orientation. i could go either way, getting my hours and sticking to the path of becoming a licensed mental health counselor, or taking a new path and thanking the experience of school for transforming me. i am open. i surrendered to my 33 calling this past year and for me that means i go where the divine wants me to go. place me where i am meant to be and i will abide. this is how i live and feel it in every cell of my soul. i will go where i am placed and do the healing work i am here to do, but the means to getting there must be provided in a way is aligned with who i am now. do you hear me, universe? if you want me to move, bring the means in a way that is in integrity with my human self. oh boy, i am writing this to the universe, aren’t i? all messed up by this dream…

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