go heart…

life is so different not going on facebook. i keep my page only to post my dad’s blogs and email, but i have not been on in a few weeks and my entire psyche feels clear of crappy debris from the way that newsfeed makes me feel. my supervisor highlighted self care yesterday. i am really good at self care with doing yoga, ritual, eating well, not over indulging, getting off facebook, allowing all my emotions to have space to be honored and breathe. i am working on being more of myself and clearing up shame surrounding the sentence, “who i am is honored.” when i said it in the car yesterday, it was difficult. i do still carry shame and a feeling that being me will get me made fun of or hurt. this comes from the past. i have lived so many years as a priestess. everybody likes a priestess because she only focuses on them and their life, but will the human woman be liked for who she is even though she is really sensitive, emotional, lucid, strange, intense, and deep? logically, yes, of course. but we all know logic is not what determines how we feel and i am working out some old feelings that no longer belong in this heart. i love myself and i honor the shame arising. i shall bring the shame to tea and let it seep out of me. thankful that the skinless “everything hurts” feeling is passing by. lasted about two days. softened me but it was also hard because i live in a culture that does not value sensitivity. if i lived in a culture that did, i would be allowed to do ritual for two days to open my heart even more in order to better serve the community. this is narrative based. it is my culture that poses the issue, not me. it is the marginalized voice that needs honor, not to stop being sensitive. i am sure of it. but since i cannot wave a magic wand and make my culture different, i will be my own culture. i will not marginalize the sensitive shamanic voice inside of me that needs to be heard and voiced. i wont make the feelings go away so i can cope. fuck that shit. can you tell it angers me? it does. anger in defense of the sacred arises for the marginalization of the sensitive voice, the feminine voice, the right brain voice, the voice of the heart. i am here to bring it out and up, to stand up for it, to be the voice of the heart. so interesting that in the show, “the royals,” this is a theme too. the voice of the heart is marginalized over and over by the selfish desire for power on the part of two brothers and the two brothers of one of the brother’s offspring. fascinating show that is archetypal to the core. i am finally understanding. clarity has arrived. this is my own justice coming into play. nobody will stand up for me but me in this world. nobody can be me but me in this world. i am advocating for myself and advocating for the heart within everyone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s