rant from the vulnerable place of pms…

i am feeling vulnerable, rebellious, sensitive, and lonely. time is getting so busy with school work and i just don’t care about being a student. i care deeply about my internship and wish i could only do that. really, i am feeling the desire to run away. right when i thought i had overcome it. maybe i never will. when this mood takes over all i want to do is make a simple life. i want to live on a hot beach wearing only a mu-mu, serving tea for a living while writing and painting in my spare time. i want to leave this complicated journey behind. i don’t want to fill my days with endless tasks and appeal to authority in order to get my credentials. i don’t want to move up any proverbial ladders. what keeps me going is thinking about my clients and the heart work i am doing. what keeps me going is knowing that i am not really an escape artist, even though i feel like escaping all the time. what keeps me going is dreaming about a partner by my side to lighten the load and bring the sweetness, to make it all worth it, to have a two person family with, or more with animals, or more if he has kids. i want family. i don’t want to have kids but i just want to feel rooted to more than me on the daily, on the earth, not just in my spiritual knowing. i know i have my blood family too, but the way nature works is you continue on and create another family. for me family with one other is enough, but a family of just me feels empty. i can do it, though. just like i can do school and internship, just like i can understand my psyche, heal from my wounds, transform into my truest potential, and all the things. but this morning it all feels so empty. this emptiness contains a sorrow. this sorrow contains a vulnerability. this vulnerability contains a soul hunger going unmet day after day, year after year, and i honor this hunger without trying to change it. i feel completely at ease with the messiness of emotions. i don’t need anything inside me to be neat and tidy or anyone else to be emotionally neat and tidy either. my compassion for how hard it is, is strong this morning. i feel for the loss and longings in every human heart as i connect to my own loss and longings. the rebel is anti-authority. the  rebel says, “stop telling me what to do!” yet here i am doing it and racking up student loans to do so, all to get the piece of paper to be able to share my heart with others who need to bill insurance to sit with me. i get it. blah blah blah. gratitude gratitude gratitude and all the positive things too. i mean it, some people would give anything to have my opportunity. i understand this. i just need to let off some friggen steam for the backwards way in which society operates. how the most in need get the most inexperienced help and how much more help they would get if helpers were paid better and how those who want to help the most in need get paid crap and are over worked and oh the injustice of it all. not to mention everything i want to say about how the most in need are so much more than that. oh could i rant! the ogre in me could spout rivers this morning. the ogre voice emerges when an important voice gets marginalized. it’s always personal. i feel my marginalized soul hunger, not only for family, but for justice for all. i am not so naive to think that working on myself will lead to the hunger being fed or that helping others work on themselves will get their hungers met. how many people are unjustly coping with realities they don’t deserve. we are all starving for justice. the new age movement can be so naive. as can any thought movement that thinks it can clean up all the mess with a concept and a technique. i call bullshit. my practice is to keep loving through the pain and mess. this is my vow to myself and humanity. maybe we don’t get our hungers fed or maybe we do, but on our way toward inevitable death, we can love one another and collect tiny moments where we see each other, honor one another, and listen to one another without judgement. not told what to do. not marginalized. not denied. loved loved loved loved loved.

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