facing the seemingly endless lines…

last night my friend took me to the symphony for the first time and i loved it. listening to classical music live is medicine. the violins literally entered my chest and excavated my heart. i felt feelings i could not put words to, that made more sense than any emotion i could put words to. sitting in a window seat downtown, people watching, while eating and having deep conversation…led me to thinking i could be in new york city and i longed for it. there’s something about extreme urban environments that fills me with excitement and passion. feeling overwhelmed right now as school just plunked a group research project on us two weeks before we are supposed to meet, while my internship is slowly getting busier, especially next week. how will i do it all? i don’t know. they say grad school is trial by fire and i attest that it is. i am too busy. i don’t like it. although i love my school for the transformative aspect of it, i don’t like learning by doing group projects and we do them quite often. i would rather simply read up on the subject and perhaps write a small paper or read and listen to a lecture. maybe i am dry and boring that way. why am i talking about this? who cares. the sky is white and the fog is thick again this morning. i need to write my autobiography today so i can focus the rest of next weekend on the research project. no days of rest from psychology. maybe not for a year. little snippets happen. like last night’s music. short walks, long walks, day dreaming. i don’t want to know, i want to pull from the unknown. there’s a layer underneath the layer of conversation and mental information. this layer is where i dwell. you have to let go completely of what you hold so dear, sometimes. you have to allow death to come. you have to be open to loss and transformation, trusting that what comes next is more suited to who you are now. the desire to run away is no longer percolating in my chest. building this new house of my uranus opposition is the realist shit. slow donkey with glossy eyes, i feel you in my chest wanting to express. laying by a midnight lake on a blanket staring up at the stars would feel the best. instead, do work and keep doing it. more paper work, more learning, more writing, more studying. yellow and red, over and over. go go go until it is over because that is the way reality is set up here and i made the choice to infiltrate and not escape. i miss my home. i miss the way i know life is supposed to be. we are so far away from what life is supposed to be. i cannot explain why without doing a poor job of it…you just feel it when you live inside of a half nightmare. on the positive side…thank you to the people who make my life rich and fulfilling. thank you to the beauty of cities, seas, trees, and the innocence of animals. thank you body for making me a me and you a you. what a cool show. these words are coming from a woman off balance but doing her best to sink into the well spring of the high priestess to nourish what is hungry inside…

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