waxing and zooming in the grey…

the rain is coming down. thick grey sky after two days of bright blue. seattle and i are so similar in our weather patterns and i am unsure if i have attuned to her or if we are inherently similar. probably i have attuned to her. when i lived in vegas my moods did not vacillate as they do now, alongside seattle, like a true devotee. that inner calling to move cities has returned but i don’t know if it will stick. i look at apartments here anyhow because i could sign a year lease and move right away, just to get out of this almost six year apartment stint and also the moment i get another rent increase i will no longer be able to afford living here. was i ever running away when i left? yes, no, maybe so. how we narrate our journey is not set in stone. meaning is fluid. in this way i agree with the constructivist way of thinking. what i do know that has officially changed, is that i feel my soul calling deeper than i used to. reluctance is shedding as joy is growing like a baby. work doesn’t feel like work when it brings joy. it used to feel like duty not joy. when duty turns to joy you know another layer of false refuge has shed. i don’t feel like explaining what that means. the words are coming out of me without thought and i wish to let them have full freedom. the other side of change feels good. the beginning of change feels like crap. feels like loss of everything safe and sacred. entering the belly of the whale is real. you can take all the things away, all the comfort, and some of us will rise to the challenge. there is a fire in my gut when i think about worse case scenarios. yet life usually makes the process…well…a process. dismantling takes time, doesn’t happen all at once. sometimes it happens all at once in either direction. something mammoth changes in a minute or two. anything is possible. miracles happen all the time and sometimes miracles are disguised as loss. loss is for a reason, i feel, and much of my healing has been by way of miracle. but where i have worked hard is in the consistency department. tenacity like a shark with eyes on the prize. what is the prize? what i take with me at death’s door is my soul and what my soul goes through in this life has much to do with the continued journey…in what i feel as truth. the moment is even more precious. being fully present in the moment is the way to get to death. here i am in this moment. oh jeez, i am waxing so spiritual and zoomed out this morning. must be the weather and three days in a row of resting all day and night after work to fight the sickness wanting in. stillness is medicine. truly. i feel rooted back into my soul again. i know the hard part is rooting in the body though. i know i miss home and my volunteer mission comes with many hardships. how might i enjoy this body with all of her limitations, flaws, and unfulfilled longings? this is our challenge. i say “our” because i know how many relate. some relate as volunteer souls who miss home. some relate as women (and men) whose body has been traumatized by others. some relate because they don’t fit the beauty standard. some relate because shame permeates the pleasure zone. i could write a list a mile long about those who relate to having trouble feeling enjoyment and peace in the body. it’s the little things. finger tips enjoying tapping on the keys. my full emollient breath. luscious music pouring into these curious ears…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s