from stillness with love and sorrow…

battling this cold so it doesn’t turn into a full blown illness means putting on pajamas right after getting home and being still until the next day, taking tons of vitamin c, schizandra berry, and spraying thieves oil on and in me to keep killing every germ. it’s working. i am nipping it in the bud and this is buddha time because all i can do is be still, be patient and do nothing. think i needed it because i have felt overwhelmed lately. solitude and stillness is medicine for me. i cannot get enough of it right now. i feel like grad school and internship is the biggest learning curve i have experienced in years. when you get into your forties life feels very different. for me, anyhow. i got settled into a way of being that i am now blasting out of the water in order to create a new way of being. so it’s not just the time spent at internship and doing school work. it’s a deep psychic transformation taking place that keeps knocking the wind out of me. i get so tired. add the world’s shadow emerging as this is happening. perfect timing, actually. it might be easier to avoid and escape this transformation if the world did not need me to show up so much. for this transformation is not about happiness, it is much deeper than an emotional state of being or anything having to do with levity. it’s a calling that cannot be put into words that comes from spirit. it’s surrendering to spirit and this surrender is occurring during a time in history where crisis is soon approaching. i mean, crisis already has approached, but i am talking about a bigger crisis. i don’t want to talk about it though. today is valentines day. i hate this day says my inner adolescent who is spray painting “forever alone” onto some wall at midnight because she has never had a valentines before. yeah, i know it’s a manufactured holiday and means nothing. i know this is my ego’s reaction too, viva the animal! adult me feels grateful for all of the love in my life in the form of friends and family. soul me does not even notice it is valentines day. we all have many parts, many voices. i decided to make a new neural pathway about valentines day this year, but my heart isn’t in it. it is just a day, blah blah blah. i watch my monkey mind think thoughts. i observe loneliness and loss inside. i also observe gratitude and humor. not feeling attached. my heart goes out to the lonely souls, today. they are who get my fire today. especially those who have the plight of the lonely breaks my heart…

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