intense dreams last night which is encouraging me to delve more into jung again. the idea of becoming an official jungian analyst percolates in my heart. i could move to la or nyc to do so. i’ve never lived in la before. could i do it? would enjoy the weather but not the car culture. would not enjoy la culture as much as seattle culture. nyc i love in most ways. i don’t know. i am just dreaming. with the current state of affairs my impetus is to keep surrendering to where i am called to be, versus focusing on my own personal goals. what i ask for to balance being here for everyone as a helper are aspects of life not having to do with work. though lately life feels like all work. this is grad school. there is little time for anything else, especially because i want to learn in my free time what i am not learning during internship or school. i enjoy learning though, it doesn’t feel like work. work doesn’t feel like work and at the same time, i need some balance that i am not receiving but this has been the case my entire life. i am used to it. blah blah blah. me me me. snooze button. been fighting off a cold and laying low, total hermit town. valentines day always depresses me. i am trying to create a new neural pathway and not feel sad, but i keep feeling sad. sometimes you cannot fight the feeling, but i can keep the story off the feeling and just let the sorrow pass through unobstructed. lately, i have been having an aversion to being manipulated into feeling positive. i don’t feel negative when i express sorrow. i am communicating genuine loss. negativity is wrapping a story around sorrow that narrates life with a sense of hopelessness. i don’t feel that. despite the shadow’s large looming presence emerging and making life extremely uncomfortable and challenging for us all, i feel incredible faith that we are in a healing process. as for me ever finding a partner to walk through life with…well…after 44 years of not finding it, i would not say i have glitter in my eyes, but i do feel deep down there is a man for me and i will get to experience true love in this lifetime. if not…loss happens. radical acceptance for what is. not gonna try to glitz this up. let the feelings flow. finis.