reality exactly…

my heart felt blocked all yesterday. like a feeling was swirling around inside of it that i could not access. my chest literally ached a little bit. i wandered around the city running all my errands, came home, and felt disgruntled from the block. a bit empty too. watched a bunch of DBT skills videos, skyped with a friend, watched some entertainment videos, and could not wait to get to sleep soon after nine. don’t know what it is. watched a protest for a bit when out in the world and felt the weight but from a distance. connected with some shop and restaurant people whom i had not seen in a while and felt some warmth there, but still, the block kept up. i don’t know why and i don’t know if i am still blocked but i think so because i did not want to get out of bed this morning and i never not want to hop out of bed for morning coffee, writing, breakfast…as it is my favorite part of the day. something obviously is percolating in my subconscious. this is why i so don’t resonate with the constructivist philosophy on no inner self. i can feel the block and something literally underneath it in the heart of my subconscious. let me practice my new DBT skills, which is buddhism put in another language. i observe the block without judgement. describing the block, i would day it feels like a disgruntled seriousness and an ache in the chest, with no thoughts to accompany it. i am doing lots of opposite emotion skills such as writing, walking, eating fresh healthy foods, but you know…i have not done art. that’s probably what i need to do. i will do that later when i get home from my social engagements today. art always helps me reach into the subconscious. being in grad school, in an internship, during the current political unrest, feels like doing healing and social work constantly. i probably need a vacation but when i get to my days off there is too much to do and besides, i don’t have the dough or a companion to go anywhere with. i could go alone someplace. that actually sounds quite lovely. but the dough…i just wont take out more loans to take a vacation. plus, when i do get to travel i need to visit my folks and portland friends. this blog is boring. it’s the block speaking. dreams are intense at night too. all about internship but it’s always a different place in my dreams. you know…i feel like skully right now. serious and on a mission. if i could find moulder to join up with me and we could take on the mission together, maybe i would not feel blocked…says the creative child inside. i will paint. blah blah blah, most boring blog ever…if i wasn’t so committed to this writing practice i might delete all five years of blogging right now, just to try to feel something. but instead, i will observe that urge, describe it as a thought that seeks relief, and instead choose to do some paced breathing and radically accept reality for exactly what it is. hello, reality, care for some tea?

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