loving the mess i am and we are in…

it’s still dark out and another rainy day. hermit day. yoga, write, errands, paint, soften, find security within, take care of the self day. bought paint yesterday and painted last night. covered up what i painted cause i messed it up. oh well. getting used to messing up these days. getting used to being embarrassed, vulnerable, confused, wrong, unsure, and angry sometimes too, when triggers arise. getting used to anxiety. it’s all tough love right because i got nowhere to move but forward because i made the decision and once i do that, i stick to my word. only forward movement. this means becoming accustomed to all the vulnerable, anxious, and embarrassing experiences and not shrinking away from the the reality of my feelings. instead, dig deeper into the feelings. seeing my disorganized attachment style appear as conflicting feelings within myself that take turns having their say and grasp. but my heart is love that wont budge. i have a secure attachment with myself at the base, so i recognize how the disorganized neurons fire off and create conflict in the present, based on the past. interesting how the deepest callings in my life i have resisted and avoided. i am understanding how fearing what i love stems back to my disorganized attachment style. wow. major breakthrough illuminates the deepest pattern. you cannot take any reaction at face value. each one of us is a nested doll nesting all the way back the very first ancestor. dreamed about romantic love last night. another reoccurring dream with the basketball player. he was the one who broke me. talk about embarrassing. well, he did not break me. i broke from that experience. it was a game changing relationship where i entered a shadowy path due to the way it went down. every relationship is an angel. that one was a shadow angel. through him i learned what it was like to feel i had lost what i wanted to keep. loss happens. i also see how who we desire romantically and fall in love with, is a direct reflection of how we love ourselves. at the time i could only desire a chap who did not fully desire me. my magnetic field pulled in only those who wanted to have a little and leave. back then, i was not in a secure attachment of self love with myself. self love feels supreme like a sun in my heart, now. i am loving my messy self full of flaws and beauty. as of late, i am getting used to being vulnerable and revealing my underbelly to all sorts of people. it’s actually really empowering to not have a strong darwinian can-do persona. i am learning that with my gift of sensitivity comes a weakness that is ok to display to the world. horrible things don’t happen from being the way i am. they did happen when i was little and as a young woman, but not as an adult whose many years of healing is paying off. self love really does happen when you work at it. i am also realizing that being a shiny gold star is not my goal, it’s only what i was taught to be in school as a kid. but think about it…who cares about being a shiny gold star? how does superficial gold star praise from others serve the sanctuary of love within? seeing through some brainwash here. if i am seated in self love within, i don’t need shallow praise from others. self love is unconditional. i can love myself through the good times and the bad times, allowing myself to rise and fall with a little more grace. vulnerability asks for grace. it truly is ok for you to feel messy, ashamed, angry, sad, and afraid. loving yourself for expressing the underbelly feelings is what grace is. let love in to every feeling and aspect of who you are instead of striving to be a gold star in order to love yourself. take a look around, we are living in one big mess. the gold star is a band-aid, not prosperity. love is the money…love is the gold…

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