rising flames of passion and change…

yesterday was imbolc but i forgot and no wonder i was so fiery and idealistic, triggered and hungry for change. hungry for humanity as much as hungry for myself to experience cessation from emotional pain. figuring out how to play the game in a way that challenges me to let go of life long insecurities. facing what i have resisted. was so tired from the day that i passed out by nine pm. everything inside of me is changing rapidly. my cells feel like they are going through a spin cycle. my brain feels like scrambled eggs. the fire in my belly sometimes rises sky high all at once and i find myself ranting. next minute i am soft as a flower petal again, discovering the root to why the fire just rose. what i know is that each time i feel something painful for myself i feel it for all people. there is no boundary because i know you feel it too. not everyone feels what i feel. we are all very archetypal. but groups of us relate in various ways. i am in the group of people who are uber sensitive energetically. we feel the entirety of ¬†person’s being all at once and the entirety of a spaces and places all at once. many of us sensitives also tend to be insecure, shy, and introverted at the same time. feeling so much at once while also feeling the introversion is intense. the impact is potent and takes time for me to adjust to new environments and people. sometimes the adjustment time does not honor what i need and then i must evaluate if it would be best to stand up for myself or see if i can move faster for the good of the order. here my learning edge flares. when to say no and when to say yes. would love to move past this one, so gotta be on the ball and not shrink from the lesson. i will try to move faster for the good of the order and if i cannot do so with integrity, i will speak up. the lesson trails off into a contemplation about social justice. how the system forces us all into patterns that are not nourishing to the soul. i do not treat the soul as an afterthought. it is number one in my book. this causes me to want to do something about the system and not just vent about it. she said the system is broken and i feel that too. also i feel i could be involved in helping to mend it through pragmatic means. people change, he said over skype. i could do work that is different than anything i have ever wanted to do in the past. i could be involved in ways i never saw coming. people do change. i feel this calling inside….i just feel it…and it looks very different than the person i have been. there is a joy in acknowledgment. even if callings are about walking into what is scary, there is still joy. he reminded me of two essentials. to speak up if i need to and that no part of me has to die just because another part is birthing. i can be empowered and juggle the factions of self. logic settled the fire in my heart that sometimes wishes to burn too hot. though some parts of self may take a back seat for a while as new parts needs extra tending. crap…i still have not bought paint. no desire to create. i must bust through this, it’s like not exercising, it’s like quicksand. i need to take action against the atrophy. i ought to force myself to the art store and paint tonight. my fiery heart needs art. art is my only outlet right now…for the passion…

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