anchoring in words at six am…

coming to the page (or screen) first thing in the morning to find my root because my entire system feels confused. a tornado inside of anxiety and fear, being in the unknown and doing things differently from the inside out. came home last night and all i could do was zone out to medicinal binaural beats to get my nervous system to calm down. after that, watch videos. self care solitude to let my body know everything is ok right now. the somatic responses were high tide yesterday. my sensitivity levels feel like they are always high tide and this is why i wear stones all over my body, need to hermit to replenish, listen to binaural beats, do yoga, say my incantations, work the soul. my self care is off the hook but it sure takes up all of my time. soon this will shift. it’s like watching the collective react to the current affairs. a swell of anger and anxiety rises from the deep bowels of the unconscious. this is stage one. in stage one reactivity floods the conscious landscape as the old security blanket of semi or full avoidance lifts. we had gotten used to a leader who made things better as much as things are made worse and it seemed good enough when used to thousands of years of oppression. put this to your own head. who is the leader of my own being? my head? my heart? my ego? my soul? i put my soul in the driver’s seat long ago and slowly, the regime of the ego has been falling. but it takes a while. only now, twenty years after the regime switch of my being, have i fully surrendered into walking into my calling without resistance. years of mistreatment leads to warped perceptions. i could not have done this five years ago. i do feel different a lot of the time and i don’t like the feeling. i know many of us feel this way. i am not alone. the feeling of aloneness is divisive. i am not apart from my fellow brothers and sisters. i cannot fully explain what i mean, this morning. i am in some liminal space in between sense making. today is a brand new day for reasons i do not wish to speak of here. a brand new day makes me think about oranges and apples for some reason. lets take this trail down to the unconscious: oranges and apples, school, shame, spiders, basements, dirt, death, cold earth, silence. wow, that was grim. so be it. let the feelings and associations flow out easy like a gentle river…

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